Goodbye Lilli (5.8.01-23.10.13)

[Golden]

I'm just going to use this old topic to document how Lilli's doing, and overall just.. You know. Coping with the fact that she may not have much time left.

Lilli's been with me since she was just a pup. She was born in Autumn 2001, and I'll never forget how I came to the conclusion that she was the one that I would take.. I was 12 then, so I didn't really know what to look for when picking a puppy, so I picked the one that spent a lot of time at the back of their "nest". The next time I got to see her, it was to take her home with me.. We travelled together on the back seat of the car and she stuck her head to my side and behind my back in search of comfort - something she's done quite a few times since.

Her being our first dog, we didn't really know much at all and did a fair amount of mistakes on the way. I personally handled the whole training side, resulting in her knowing all the commands that I could think of to teach her. She was there for me when my life was the hardest, and we would support each other through thick and thin.

She never seemed to mind us moving to a whole new city. Quite the contrary in fact, she seemed to really love the big yard she got all to herself!

What she did mind was us getting a brand new puppy, Saana. Adding insult to injury, Saana turned out to be the exact opposite of Lilli - she NEEDED physical contact and leaning to others, much to Lilli's displeasure. We would often find Lilli moping, staring at the bathroom wall around that time.

Nowadays they're more or less friendly with each other, though Saana still goes out of her way to annoy Lilli by poking her or stepping on her tail or just sticking her nose in Lilli's face, causing her to flinch a bit. They have a regular playtime every evening and both seem to enjoy it very much. I'm hoping to capture all that on video before it's gone forever.

---

Lilli was diagnosed with a weakened heart this Spring, and she's been on heart meds since. There's some liquid in her lungs too, so we got meds for that too.

So far she's only had one "episode" during which she lost the ability to control her hind legs. What's the most apparent, is the liquid causing her breathing to be really loud and sometimes a lot of work. This is the main reason we've decided not to take her out on proper walks - her breathing seems to get worse after a walk. A slow walk around the block she seems to be okay with, but anything more than that doesn't seem to be worth it.

For now, she goes up and down the stairs well, which is good. I spend most of my time upstairs, so it warms my heart whenever she takes the time to climb up to spend time in my room.

Her sense of hearing has also weakened considerably. At first we thought it was just her being uninterested, but recently she's failed to notice us coming up to her from behind, leading to the conclusion that she just can't hear all that well anymore. Same goes for giving her the permission to dive into her food, as unless you articulate it very clearly and loudly, she'll hesitate and look at you a tad confused about whether or not she's allowed to eat now.

[Miyon]

I wish there was something I could do. <3

[Lisaara]

That's good. Just keep an eye on her. Sounds like she had a stroke.

[Makoes]

Glad to hear that she is able to move again! Hopefully this was nothing to serious.

[Golden]

I updated the OP as the episode that had me write it in the first place passed. Lilli's still around and doing well, although there's clear signs of what's to come. Personally I'm truly hoping she'll at least live through the Winter to see next Summer, but there's really no estimate on how long she'll last.

I'm using this topic as a means of therapy to help me let go when push comes to shove.

[Dewclaw]

It's so hard to see them age, but take comfort in the fact that she had had a long wonderful life with you, and what's happening is just nature's course. Enjoy the time you have together. It is so precious.

[Miyon]

I'd love to get to meet her before her adventures comes to an end. <3

[Golden]

Thanks for your kind words guys. <3

As fate would have it, a few hours ago Lilli had her second stroke, or whatever it was. Same thing as last time, she lost control of her hindquarters, and just lay on the floor shaking and panting like crazy. It went on for about three hours, and after the first two hours I was pretty much sure that she wouldn't make it - it'd lasted too long and I thought I was seeing signs of exhaustion in her.

Then she started trying to sit up. Her hind legs still wouldn't work, but she was able to pull herself up to sit with her back against a wall. There she stood for another half an hour before I asked for Saana to be taken outside while I would carry Lilli to a better and more comfortable spot (up till now she'd been pretty much stuck in my parents' bedroom where my mom was trying to sleep). Lilli had something else on her mind entirely. She was so dead set on NOT letting me carry her that she actually got on her wobbly feet and walked (wobbled? crawled? I can't really describe how she did it) to the living room carpet where she fell back to the ground.

She's doing much better now, she's been drinking pretty well when I offer her water, and she seems somewhat relaxed. Here's hoping that she can start walking soon so I can take her out for a pee. I'm sure she would appreciate that chance too after this ordeal.

So um.. It's been a really rough 3½ hours for us. To my surprise she's still hanging strong, allowing me to come back upstairs to write this update. :3 Surprisingly enough Saana's keeping her company instead of tailing me and my dad around the house. A welcome change for sure!

[Dewclaw]

Can you describe the shaking? Sometimes cardiac problems can cause seizures, but trembling can also be a sign of pain. Might help you to make your girl more comfy if you knew exactly what these episodes were. Regardless, whether seizure, stroke, or something else, when it happens it might help to dim the lights and place her on a soft blanket and talk to her in soothing tones.

[Golden]

I think they were mostly tremblings. Overall the way her claws tightened during the trembles made me think that it was mainly related to pain.

I pretty much spent the three hours just sitting by her, scratching her in the best places and just being there for her.

When I went down after my previous post, Lilli was sitting again and clearly wanting to have a brief bathroom break. As soon as it came to crossing bare floor, she simply refused so we had to put a carpet on our tiny set of stairs to help her get down to the door. Once out, she seemed overjoyed and despite the uncertainty in her steps (and a couple of stumblings), she almost RAN into some bushes to do her thing.

And while I was telling my mom the news, Lilli somehow managed to climb up the stairs to the second floor. @.@ Don't ask me how she did it, I just suddenly noticed her panting was coming from up there. Now she's settled in our guest bed, which feels like a good place for her - it's a really calm place in a dark corner that resembles very much a cave with a good amount of mattresses, pillows and blankets (the roof is too low for a proper bed so me and any guests sleep on mattresses up here :P).

I really wish I would've taken the time to go and get those pet painkillers earlier today.. Sadly it was past 8 PM when this all began, so it was pretty much too late at that point. I'll do that tomorrow instead, so we'll be properly prepared the next time this happens.

Also thanks for the tips on how to make her as comfortable as possible! I'll be sure to keep those in mind in the future.

[Jurz]

Aww I hope things go well for you and her. I watched my dog have seizure once and she's up there in the years so I understand how you feel

[Golden]

Last night left her considerably weaker. She's avoiding stepping on the bare floor and going down the staircase is a huge no-no. We're thinking of letting her go at this point..

[Golden]

As I'm waiting for the time to leave for the vet, I went and tamed Snarler to call Lilli.

Then I realized that the stray dog you can get on your farm has the colors of Saana and their size difference is pretty accurate too.. So I did a thing so they can be together again, albeit virtually.


I really don't want to do this. ;__; I'm going to miss her so much.

[Mozag]

But it's the right thing to do. It would be cruel to make her suffer longer, and it's the greatest gift that we humans can give our beloved pets when it's their time. She won't ever leave you, you know that. Just be strong for her, and remember that you have Saana to care for as well, since she will miss her friend a lot. You will hopefully be able to heal each other.

Thinking of you and your family, and wishing Lilli the sweetest of dreams.

[Golden]

Thank you for your kind words hon. <3

It's done. I.. I'll probably never forget that moment. Worst part was probably leaving her body there.. We'll get her ashes later, but it won't be the same.. I already miss how her coat felt. How it was to kiss her in the cheek and forehead.

I can do nothing but sob while hugging the blanket she'd had many a dream on.

[Miyon]

I can't help but cry.. I'm so sorry for your loss, dear. Give both your mom and Saana a hug from me. <3

[Dewclaw]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Jurz]

I'm so sorry

[Wain]

Oh Golden, I'm so sorry. I only just saw this thread and read what you were going through.

You know you made the right decision for her. You've looked after her well-being her whole life and this was the final thing you had to do for her. It's one of the most painful things you'll ever have to face, but it's also a great privilege to have been through it all, from beginning to end.

I hope you're doing ok. The grieving can take a long time but that's important too

*hugs*

[Golden]

Thanks guys! I'm surprised to see that after the first day, I've been really calm about it. I guess I accepted the fact that it was her time when she was going through her episode. I was begging for her to just let go then and there.

I'm sure the pure longing will come back to hit me sooner or later.. She'd become such a huge part of our family and daily life. Saana doesn't seem to mind too much - at first she seemed to just think that Lilli was outside on the yard (and when we went outside, she must've assumed that Lilli was inside XD).

All in all I'm thankful for everything that I got from Lilli. She taught us to be selfless and to enjoy every moment. She would come to calm us down whenever there was an argument.

And I'm thankful for the warning that we had a few months back, as it reminded us to enjoy Lilli's company before it was too late. We took lots of pictures and video of her after that, just to remember her by. Once I'm able to, I'll upload those videos on YouTube.