my rp story so far tips welcome

[Aweena]

i figure there are a few avid rpers here still so for the first time im going to share my rp story i have worked on its not perfect i never was the top graded student in writing classes and i think i may need to rewrite stuff over time to fit better.

so here we go:

Erzuli Troll Shaman

Erzuli awoke to Breze swirling her braids the mischievous spirit had come to play, smiling she sat up ”ya be a silly mon” she chuckled and got out of her sleeping skins Breze swirling around her with excitement as she walked out the sleeping hut to go for some breakfast, entering the main hut she noticed her father siting with a strange large cowman, thinking he looked odd she hurried in to the hut ”child! Ya be getting dat ting out of here” Erzuli realizing her mom was still angry at Breze for the flour and paint blowing on to walls earlier in the week ”but mama” ”dere be no mama here child out with it” Erzuli shrugged then turned around and walked back out still hungry,

”Breze mon ya be needin to stop blowing up mama's flour” Chuckling at the spirit hovering above her head ”now we be needing to go find something to be eatin” looking around she noticed some coconuts in the tree she had fallen out of so many times before smiling she started climbing,

at the top she grabbed the biggest coconut and settled in the leaves with her small mace she cracked the nut open and drank the milk, Breze swirled her braids impatiently ”relax mon” she chuckled and remembered the day they had meet,

It was on her 15 birthday as humans would call it she had been sent out to hang her fathers tiki masks up on the drying rack when suddenly a wind blew her over after getting up she had noticed a spirit in the tree across from the house seemingly having issues keeping together looking at it a bit closer she noticed the bracers elementals usually had was cracked on one arm and missing on the other, thinking fast she took her bracelets mumbled a spell she had overheard the shamans use for binding spirits during rituals and hurried up the tree to the spirit reaching her hands with the bracelet in them out slowly to not scare the spirit she mumbled ”it be all right mon i wont do ya no harm” the spirit warily looked at her then her hands backed off a little seemingly thinking about it then he moved in again and put his hands in the bracers, the winds took up again and Erzuli felt her self flying trough the air again as she had done so many times thinking well another broken arm was worth it,

suddenly she noticed she was still not landing opening her eyes she realized the spirit had cached her before she could land his eyes having a thankful look to them she had thanked him back as well as she could still not having learned any kalimag to language of the spirits they had just seemed to understand one another anyway, since that day he would visit regularly and somehow he would always know when she was in danger and show up Erzuli still didnt know how he did it, ”Wake up mon!” she jolted out of her daydream at the voice ”bruddah !” she hurried down the tree and jumped on her brothers back ready for some play fight he brushed her off tho ”lil sista” he chuckled not now,

she noticed the green skinned female he had with him she had seen them from a distance a few times but not one like this obviously the female was an orc but she had an air of power around her Erzuli could not place it yet,

”sista dis be me good friend Ankara she and i be going soon to a world called outlands i be needing to talk with our elders will ya show her the islands for me ?” Erzuli was still starring at the orc ”ya mon i be doin dat for ya bruddah” she nodded then headed off making a gesture for the orc to follow, she was a bit veary of the orc she was in general veary of strangers after having heard stories from the elder trolls of how things had been earlier ”so who is your little friend child ?” Ankara looking at Breze asked ” Erzuli a bit surprised that he hadn’t gone when the stranger appeared grunted a bit at being called child by this stranger but decided not to make a deal out of it when she noticed Breze was actually studying the orc with respectful eyes ”he be Breze gets me in trouble here and dere” Ankara smiled looked at Erzuli ”Ah yes the wind is a playful thing at times” they had arrived at the raptor pens, a couple of the smaller bloodtalons where chasing an unlucky rat across the pen playing with it,

”child have you decided what you wish to do when you complete your rite ?” Ankara seemed to know a lot about the tribes cultural ways ”i not be sure yet but da elements always been interesting ta me” Erzuli warming to the orc now being less wary of her answered, Ankara smiled ”yes you do seem to have some talents there” reaching to her belt Ankara unfastened a small totem ”since i am taking your brother with me i want you to have this” after a pause ”it was given to me by a strong troll shaman when he passed away he was one of my mentors” Erzuli studied the totem it was a air totem with traditional troll carvings and a few feathers dangling on some leather cords around the tiki mask of air ”dat be a big gift mon” she bloated out, Ankara chuckled at the young trolls reaction ”it is but a small gift child you do realize you wont see your brother for a long time now?” Erzuli pondered the thought for a little then replied ”ya mon i understand ya be taking good care o me bruddah out dere ?” Ankara nodded ”i promise you i will try to keep him as safe as my powers can”
they then were interrupted ”i be ready mon” her brother had come to find them,

Ankara nodded then moved off to let them say goodbye ”ya be a god girl now mon” he sounded sad she thought ”i be as god as ya me bruddah” she teased he chuckled at her teasing ”i be seeing ya me lil sista” he said and they walked off,
Thinking about it a little Erzuli decided it was time to go see how her parents where doing Breze had gotten bored enough to go away again she was both relived and sad she loved the spirit but he was always making trouble for her and sometimes it was easier when he was resting,

Arriving at home she relised her mom was seeming taller her father had occupied himself with more masks, she knew her mom was using a facade they were both worried about their eldest child but proud he was a hunter who brought back pride and honor to the family,

dinner finally ready they all sat down around the fire bowls of rice and crawler stew the flat breads her mother always made she poured a little of it all not feeling hungry her father spoke while he was starring at the fire ”tomorrow ya be going to the main isle to train ya be to do da rite” Erzuli knew it was time and probably also due to her spirit having been so mischievous lately more than usual ”ya papa”she replied her mother pulled out a bundle of cloth ”did be me great grandmas robes i think dey be best suited for ya my child” she shoved the bundle to Erzuli ”tank ya mama i be wearin em with pride” she put it under her arm her dad came over with another gift ”dis here shield be one i made for ya” he handed her a tribal shield not to fancy but sturdy enough ”thank ya papa i be wearing dis with pride aswell she smiled at her parents then retreated to her sleeping area when she got in there there was a gift on her skins, she opened it and a small mace fel out with a clonk on the inside of the skin the mace was wrapped in there was a symbol,
smiling she knew the symbol well it was her brother and hers private way of marking that they had been some where, she placed all her gifts at her feet so they would be ready for the morning she also placed the small totem from the orc with the gifts she then crawled under her skins to sleep.

In the morning her mom came in ”ya best be gettin ready child” she said Erzulie had already been awake for a few hours ”ya mama” she replied her mom had a bowl of red paint with her Erzuli knew it meant her hair was to be painted, she dressed in the robe hefted the mace, totem and a pouch to her belt then sat down by her mom to have her hair done her mother painted it thoroughly but left a strand white Erzuli didn’t notice it her mother then proceeded to braid the hair in one big across the top and two small on the sides she tugged the small ones to the front and let them fall on Erzuli's chest she then took out two vials of tribal paint and gave them to Erzuli ”ya know what to do child ?” she asked ”ya mama” Erzuli nodded then went over to a bowl of water she could use the reflection to do the painting, after finishing them off she went outside she looked for Breze but he was nowhere to be seen sighing to her self she went to her canoe and paddled off to the main isle to participate in the rite for adulthood,

as she was paddling another young troll paddled up next to her ”Hi i be Zuni ya be going to the rite too ?” Erzuli nodded she was a bit tense Breze still hadn’t shown himself it wasn’t like him she started to worry, finally at the isle she soon forgot to worry the rite was hard and very demanding over the course of two weeks they would be spirit walking, meditate and carve tribal marks on their arms during these spirit walks she was granted a vision of her future, a shaman traveling the world a strange world shrouded in mists and her brother in the mist as well, coming out of the walk she only remembered that she was to be a shaman, after ending her two weeks of rites her and zuni where the last to be sent off by the elder Jin'thala as she sat down a familiar voice ”Hi mon remeber me?” She smiled it was Zuni she had meet him several times during the two weeks his light hearted eagerness always brightened her mood she winked at him ”ya man me not forget ya yet” she teased at him ”now ya be off find ya trainers” Erzuli and Zuni raced up to the grounds ”ya trainer should be somewhere around here” Zuni said as he ran off further on,

Erzuli found her trainer shortly after, a stern looking female called Nekali ”so ya want ta be a shaman newblood ?” she looked Erzuli over with a critical eye ”hm ya have a weathered look to ya an wise eyes maybe ya can learn ta be a shaman” she looked Erzuli over again ”we be startin ya off easy go smash those tiki targets an we be seein” Erzuli did as she was told using the little magic she already knew to destroy the targets she suddenly felt a shiver as she suddenly knew a new spell as if it was just a forgotten word ”not bad Erzuli, not bad” Nekali looking Erzuli over again ”ya be seeming ta have a natural talent for dis” thinking for a bit Nekali seemed to decide for a new test ”lets put dat ta use da wild cats be killing da boars around here dat be our boars bring me enough pelts for a sleepin skin or we be havin no dinner tonight” Erzuli wandered off to find the cats she soon found them gorgin on boars she killed as many as she could find skinned them for the pelts and returned to Nekali ”good these be fine pelts hm to fine for skins they be better cloacks”

”ya done good shaman” Erzuli straightened with pride at her trainers acknowledgment ”I be sure i could teach ya a few tricks here a dere but i not be wastin ya time on tiki targets no longer it be time for ya ta fight a real badie one dat wants ta kill ya go to da provin pit an let the jailer know when ya be ready ta fight da naga” Erzulie did as she was told the jailer looked at her a bit weary ”ya sure mon ?” she nodded and he let out a naga from the cage it took her some time but she managed to dodge most attacks and finally after having fought hard she defeated it, Nekali having watched from the side ”Good ya be ready” she let Erzuli catch her breath then she continued ”da village be needin some help it be good for ya to be helpin while dere don't forget ta be lisening to da ancestors as you get more used to dem speaking to ya now go”
Rushing of eager to prover her worth Erzuli didnt notice she was followed.

As she rushed in to the main hut to ask some elders what she could help with she suddenly froze in her steps, in the hut right there in the center was no other than Vol'jin, ”so ya be da newblood i been hearing abaut” Vol'jins wise eyes studied her a moment ”ya know moraya has been askin for help with da raptors why dont ya see what ya can be helpin her with” Erzulie still to much in awe at vol'jins presence nodded then swirled around and ran off to look for this moraya, on her way out the hut and elder male called her over ”we just set up crawler traps but i be old and impatient could ya help out an old troll by collectin som crawler meat ?” she thought it over for a sec and remebered Nekali's words help out it would give a good impression to the spirits, she agreed to do the task and walked off to find moraya,

she found her not to far from the main hut sitting on a woven matt with a bloodtalon hatch-ling runing about her the elder smiled when Erzuli introduced her self “Ah so sweet of him to think of me I could sure use da help but ya got more walkin ta do” the elder explained the troubles they were having and sent Erzuli on to bloodtalon isle on her way over the bridge to the isle she heard a panting voice call out “wait up mon” Zuni running as fast as he could finally caught up smiling Erzuli kept pace with him “those little raptors be cute mon” he chuckled as they arrived, after talking to the caretakers they both went off in different directions Zuni was to help with the hatching by helping a few of the little raptors out of their shells Erzulie had been tasked with putting down a few corrupted raptors on a neighboring isle and kill the naga who had taken residence there also while she was there she was to collect as many of the hatch-lings who had gotten lost on the isle and bring them home, she decided to swim there and collect some crawler meat for Tora'jin

finally there she soon found the corrupted ones they had an eerie glow to them she put as many as she could find down and found several little hatch-lings hiding in the bushes deciding it would be wasteful to not collect the skins of the dead ones she skinned them all and took a few tooth’s as thropys she then went looking for the naga, it didn’t take her long to find him he was making noises and being obnoxious chasing about some raptor hatch-lings, thinking about how best to do it she suddenly ran out of time when one of the hatch-lings she had collected escaped her and ran in jumping on the big naga as if it was gonna eat him she jumped after it and found herself in front of the naga with a hiss he attacked her she barely managed to move out of the way of one of his claws then she called on her air totems power and started firing lightning bolts at him thinking he might find a shield that fit the damage she started mixing in some earth shocks to keep pummeling him it took a while but she finally won the fight and he finally died she made sure he was dead and collected an orb he had dangling around his neck

returning to the caretakers with the things she had found and receiving a few gifts as thank she was tasked with catching a rambunctious raptor called swiftclaw and return him to the pens on the main isle Zuni had apparently finished faster and was off to other things after chasing the raptor around a few times she finally managed to rope him and get in the saddle he wasn’t stopping tho so she resulted to steering him home she managed and he was finally in the pen she went up to Moraya “ah swiftclaw he be a spirited one I be lookin forward to training him it be the spirited ones that makes the greatest companions” she smiled then handed Erzuli a belt “dis be for ya thanks for helpin an old troll out” Erzuli took it and nodded “ I best be off then” walking away she looked around she had feel followed for a few days now, still not seeing the follower she shrugged and went of to a little camp she had set up near the village to meditate in peace at settling in she felt uneasy so decided to try and meditate it off, it wasn’t working and she got annoyed twirling a straw she thought of her brother when suddenly Breze came rushing at her surprised she looked at the spirits big horrified eyes as he started swirling her head soon after a small green thing came rushing out the bush at them “i got ya now !” it screamed with a squeaking voice thinking fast Erzuli stepped in his path to so that he smashed in to her leg with a thump landing on his behind he started “what did you do that for I had him he..” he stooped as he noticed her fuming with anger, Erzuli studying the small green creature obviously he was thinking hard now “ahem im sorry miss lets start over im called Gitrix and I eh am an inventor and I need that elemental for...” he stopped right there obviously it wasn’t helping, Erzuli still fuming at the goblin trying to catch her friend retorted “ya best be going dis here elemental is me friend and if ya harm him I be having goblin stew for dinner!” the goblin sank one extra time then got up and walked off ,

Erzuli spent the night meditating with Breze swirling around her and in the morning Breze had gone off again as she returned to the village the war drums started playing and Zuni came up to her “da sea witch be here we be going to war go talk to Tortunga” she arrived at Tortuga and he sent them off on borrowed raptors to report to the captain of the watch Morakki,

Morakki sent them off to clear a cave and put up territorial fetishes she and Zuni worked well together and the cave was soon clear they returned to Morakki and he told them that Vol'jin and Vanira had cornered the sea witch up in the center and that they were to report in and help in what way they could, hurrying up there Erzuli readied her self for battle calling on air to aid her applying a electrical shield around her in the form of little orbs as they arrived the witch was summoning echoes of her self to shield her Vanira told the two to focus on the echos she and Vol'jin would take care of the witch nodding Erzuli started casting lightning bolts and earth shock soon the witch tried something new Vanira called them to stamp the fires behind the witch seeing the magic in them Erzuli quickly did as told then returned to kill echos working hard and feeling the drain on her she kept going as the witch was about to fall she threw her shield spell again Zuni also being tired called out “i be doin the fires dis time!” the witch noticed him “oh no little troll you die!” with a crack she hit Zuni with a powerful spell and he went down “Zuni Noo!!” Vanira yelled Erzuli using the distraction quickly cleared the fires again and the witch went down

Vol'jin clearly relived went off home told them to join him when Vanira was done healing Zuni as they knelt by him Vanira said “im afraid there is nothin I can do for our bruddah her power tore at his soul he is lost to us now I be sending someone to retrieve his remains lets go” Erzuli mourned the loss of her friend at night they held the burrial for Zuni drums, flutes and Ritual songs accompanied the grieving cries in the morning he had been laid to rest with the ancestors and Erzuli had sat down near her camp again she spent a few weeks there meditating and pondering how could one as bright and cheerful as Zuni be ripped away so quickly? It tormented her for days after a while she realized her answer was not going to come from just sitting here.

Finally having gotten over the loss of her friend she reported to the main hut as instructed after witnessing a conversation between Thrall and Vol'jin she got sent off to Sen'jin village to report to master Gadrin, as she made her way down to her canoe she saw the goblin still lurking about the village, he noticed her and quickly walked the other way shrugging she continued got in her cano and paddled off,

arriving in Sen'jin she noticed a group of trolls had gathered in the main building thinking she wouldn’t be in the way she quikly bought a skinning knife of the trade merchant nearest to the door and left them to their business as she walked out she found master Gadrin and a witch doctor trainee, Gadrin tasked her with clearing out some humans that were settling in a canyon near the village the doctor convinced her to collect some crawler mucus for him as she walked to the edge of the village another troll beckoned her over “if ya be going in dere could ya do me a favor burn their plans” she thought about it a moment then nodded and continued on,

Sneaking up on the human was easy they were busy logging off some crates she took out as many of the loggers as she could then proceeded to the canyon entrance now these might actually be a bit of a challenge she thought to herself and went in killing as many as she could she found the plans burned them as the troll had asked her too and returned to the beach to collect the mucus for the doctor when she came back they all gave her a little gift as thanks, the doctor asked her to do one last task for him and she went off to get some scorpid poison for him after collecting the amount he had asked for she talked to Gadrin again this time she was to move on to a place called Razorhill

she went over to the orc siting on his wolf mount and asked for directions he glared at her a moment then sent her off with his partner on a spare wolf they had on the way the wolf had a stop at a sign post peeing on it the orc mumbled something then yelled “Bad dog!” Erzuli almost fell off the wolf laughing the rest of the way as they arrived at Razorhill she noticed some unruly water elementals on the beach she shruged it off and went in to talk to.

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as you can clearly see i never finished it entirely and i had a break from playing so also ran dry with this story

[Aweena]

so uhm how bad is it ?

i see people have viewed but no comments so i think that can be both good and bad did i make a mary sue by giving her a pet elemental or is she a acceptable rp figure ?

[Ëlfdragon]

I like it. I will admit it is a little hard to follow at times, but it is good.

[Aweena]

yeah grammar isn't my best side and i do have attention issues so i may have strayed off at times

[Equeon]

I liked your version of the troll starting area - I've RPed it myself, so it was more relatable that way.

I have to agree with Elfdragon, though - it may not seem important, but some proper formatting really makes your story a lot more enjoyable to read.
Take your last paragraph:



she went over to the orc siting on his wolf mount and asked for directions he glared at her a moment then sent her off with his partner on a spare wolf they had on the way the wolf had a stop at a sign post peeing on it the orc mumbled something then yelled “Bad dog!” Erzuli almost fell off the wolf laughing the rest of the way as they arrived at Razorhill she noticed some unruly water elementals on the beach she shruged it off and went in to talk to.

Apply a few corrections and formatting for clarity...

She went over to the orc siting on his wolf mount and asked for directions. He glared at her a moment, then sent her off with his partner on a spare wolf they had on the way.
The wolf had a stop at a sign post, peeing on it! The orc mumbled something, then yelled “Bad dog!” Erzuli almost fell off the wolf laughing the rest of the way.

As they arrived at Razorhill, she noticed some unruly water elementals on the beach. She shrugged it off and went in to talk to (who?)