Dealing with long-term relationship break ups.

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Snowy
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Dealing with long-term relationship break ups.

Unread post by Snowy »

Yeah I'm talking about this again. Sorry. But as you can probably figure, it's on my mind 99.9% of the time.

We were together for five years. That's an awful long time to suddenly decide to turn around and go, "This isn't working." and call it off. Technically, it's a break. I'm staying with my mum and he's moved back up to Scotland with his mum. We were going to be doing this anyway for at least two weeks, hence why we decided now is the best time for a break, but frankly I feel like it's more than a break. Our relationship has fizzled and I've known this for some time. We argue, we fight over the tiniest details, we don't even have much in common anymore. The only things making me want to hold on to it are nostalgia and loneliness. I don't think it's going to work out. The last few days I've felt fine as long as I'm around people. The minute I'm left alone, I just feel so depressed.

I want to know how I'm meant to deal with this. Has anyone had any similar experiences that they would be kind enough to tell me about, and how they dealt with it? It's a very personal topic I understand but I could really do with any and all help right now. It's just such a sudden change and I'm rather heartbroken, but I don't think I want the relationship to continue anymore either. :/

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Vephriel
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Re: Dealing with long-term relationship break ups.

Unread post by Vephriel »

I'm so sorry Snowy, I can only imagine how difficult that is to cope with. :( I'm not sure if I can say anything that will help at all, but I'll try.

I think people are very much creatures of habit, and after a timespan like that you become comfortable with the way things are because it's normal, it's familiar, and it's safe in the sense that you know where you stand. It's intimidating to think of where to go from there, and there's no fault in that. A breakup is rough, there's no getting around that, but in some cases it might turn out to be a good thing, even if that'll be hard to see while you heal and recover emotionally. It sounds like you've held some uncertainties for a while and there's nothing wrong with two people changing in ways that a relationship may not be ideal anymore.

Too many people stay together, get married, and carry on their lives in what becomes a stale, loveless relationship just because they're afraid to start over, to try something new. Don't feel like you have to be stuck in the same routine if it's just not working anymore. Relationships are hard, long ones even more so. They're something you have to constantly tend to and nurture. There's a lot of compromises to be made, but it's all worth it if you're both willing to put in the effort. The most important thing is that you should feel happy. You should want it enough that it's worth fighting for, and if that feeling isn't there anymore or fading then it might be best to move on and discover where you want to go from here. There might be something even better in the future, but just take your time and think on it. I know it's difficult to lose someone that you're so close to and know so well, but if you can still stay friends after then maybe you don't have to lose it all.

Spend time with your friends, lean on them for support, and just try to breathe and enjoy yourself as much as you're able so you're not dwelling on things alone. It's going to be painful but stay positive, talk about it with him, and maybe together you can either figure out what went wrong or agree that it's time to go your separate ways, hopefully without animosity.
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Re: Dealing with long-term relationship break ups.

Unread post by Dewclaw »

Snowy, it sounds like your head and your heart are in exactly the right place. Your head knows it's not going to work out, and your heart is grieving because you love him. You will have to grieve and let time heal you in it's own measured increments. Crying helps, as does talking about it. Each person grieves differently, so give yourself time and understanding. giving yourself some sort of closure may help.
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Re: Dealing with long-term relationship break ups.

Unread post by Castile »

I think Veph has said it best - sometimes you just stay together because of habits. I have not had this happen to me personally but a friend was in a relationship for 15yrs with her partner. They had been high school sweethearts but as they grew older she wanted (naturally) to get married and he didn't. An ultimatium was issued and they broke up. She said, like you, there was lots of little fights and issues that all suddenly came to head. At this point she questioned if this was what she wanted in life and if this person she had invested so much of her life with and time was worth waiting for. She was waiting for something to happen that evidently would not ever occur.

It was hard - for both of them but they both have new partners, are both engaged (she's getting married this November) and she has a child! Everything in life happens for a reason and if its not meant to be then that just means that the right person for you is still out there waiting :) It will hurt but eventually the sun will shine and you'll find the someone you are truely meant to spend your life with :hug:

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Re: Dealing with long-term relationship break ups.

Unread post by Ana »

6 years ago my husband and i were at a rough spot and decided to live apart. At that time we had been married for 13 years. I went to live in a dormitory kinda of a place and my husband lived in our apartment. I cried myself to sleep every night.. really loudly and it was sooo bad. I felt my whole world crumble and sometimes felt that i had nothing to live for.
We could still talk but i was really unsure if we were going to be divorced which i soo did not want. It was THE most hard time of my life.

I KNOW this place is not to talk about religion but it is what saved us. I met some Jehovahs Witness and my husband and i began reading the bible together. Through that we strengthen our marriage and after 6 montsh apart we moved in together again... We kept up the principles from the bible and today i just wish we had done that earlier .... We have never been stronger together than we are now... It might sound silly but it really really helped us..

again sorry if this is too much religion but i just wanted to be honest and share what helped us because i feel for you and want to help you. Sometimes its worth to fight and try to figure out things.. im going againts the popular opinion here i know ...

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Snowy
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Re: Dealing with long-term relationship break ups.

Unread post by Snowy »

Sorry for the late response, my best friend took me out for the day and really helped cheer me up, he's an absolute star. <3

Your responses are all wonderful, don't worry about posting what you feel Tarn, it's wonderful to know that you and your husband were able to solve things and stay close. :D I'm not a religious person at all but it makes me happy that it was able to save your relationship Tarn. I definitely agree, a long-term relationship is definitely worth fighting for and I do think that too many couples, especially married ones, divorce these days. Sometimes people find it easier to split than to try hard to solve their issues. Which is exactly what we're trying to do, but the communication between us right now is so difficult - his computer is packed away so he can't message me, his phone is frankly pretty crap so texting is few and far between and we have no option but to stay apart right now because we don't have a house. I'm staying with my mum and i'm currently 99% sure I'll be moving in with my best friend later this month.

Sadly, there's no option between a long distance relationship and living together. And I already did the long-distance part for three years and frankly never want to do it again, it was horrible and I think if I had to do it any longer I would've broken off the relationship... hence why we decided to move in together. After two years I just wanted my own space, and yes, like Castile said, lots of small issues that had been problems for a long time finally all came up at once and just kind of ruined everything. I feel like if we'd spent time looking at them when they actually first occurred, it wouldn't be so bad, but it's been a week since this was decided and, honestly? I'm loving the freedom and independance. I hated having to share my room - I just don't think I was ready to.

Thank you all for the responses though, really, it helps. I've never been in a situation quite like this and it always makes me feel better when I have something I can relate to.

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