Female Reproductive Health [explicit]

[Finduilas]

I'm not sure if this is the perfect place to put this - but I have to tell somebody who looks on me from a neutral perspective.

In january my best friend gave birth to her beautiful little daughter. I was jealous of her. She is only 18 years old and had never planned to become a mother so soon. I'm proud of her to have kept the baby and went through the whole pregnancy with her. In December I forgot my birth control for one day and in january my period was late for two weeks. I was hoping against all reasonable arguments to be pregnant, too. I told my fiance (he was still my boyfriend back then) and he seemed quite happy, too. When the test was negative, we both were a little sad, but my friend's daughter lighted us up. We helped her out when she needed some time for her own and took the baby for a walk, changed her diapers and everything. Back then I was planning my stay here in Umea in Sweden for my studies at university. I told myself it was the best I wasn't pregnant and I would be happy going abroad to a new university. Then came the summer term at my home university in Germany and I had to go through some tough times with the administration wanting to prohibit my stay when I already had booked my student room and paid the tuition fee. Then I had to take my exams during this time of stress with the administration and was suffering from sleepless nights and panic attacks before the exams. My fiance always supported me and helped me through everything telling me it would get better once I was away from the German study system. He was right. It IS so much better here. I don't feel any anxietey to attend my lectures and really think they are interesting. We don't have to take the exams all in one week (like in Germany I had like 8 exams in one week about the whole term), but have smaller exams every few weeks and oral exams. I feel like I'm finally finding some peace and time to think about my whole situation. If I only think about going back to Germany and university there and having to take more exams until I finally get my bachelor's degree, I feel the panic raising inside me.
By now I'm at the point I say, I won't continue my higher education once I get back but drop it for the sake of my mental health and start an apprenticeship as a veterinary's assistant. But there is this part in me, that is starting a revolution against my reasonable part. I WANT to be a mom, not in a few years, but soon. I want to have something I can be proud of, something I can take responsibility of, something that is mine and noone can ever take it away from me. I'm 23 years now. If if finish my studies I'll at least be 26 (due to stupic second subject I had to take and HATE). If I drop my studies and do an apprenticeship I'll be 27 when I'm finished with it. I talked to my fiance about my feelings and my wishes, but he tells me that I should finish my education in either one way or the other to have something I can use when applying for a job after having a baby. And yes, he is right, my sensible part tells me this, too. But my heart tells me something different. I'm tempted to just leave away my birth control and leave it to fate to become a mom or not, but I don't want to do this without my fiance knowing, as I would feel like cheating on him. I seriously don't know what I should to, but the situation is slowly dividing me into two parts and I don't know which part I want to see win.... I always plan things, I make to-do lists, I have always been reasonable and thought about everything twice, but I want to follow my heart, too. I'm sure my family and everyone would support me, whichever path I choose to follow, but I want to do the right thing. And I really feel jealous if I see a pregnant woman or someone with his/her/their kids. I'm sure I would be a good and loving mom, but I don't want to destroy my carreer and future either by getting a mom too soon. My best friend is now a mom and she seems pretty happy to me, but she also is 6 years younger than me and won't have problems finding an apprenticeship in a year, when her daughter can go to nursery school.

Sorry for this wall of text, but I honestly didn't whom to tell

[Silivren]

Thats a very sensitive subject and for yourself the only one who knows for sure what is best is yourself. People can tell you what they want and can tell you whats best but the best thing to do in my opinion would be for yourself and your fiance to talk about it together. Not taking the birth control and not telling him is a wrong thing to do and he needs to know how you feel. I would suggest going back to school(however thats your decision if it makes you happy) but you also need to know if you can handle the baby and can be financially stable enough to care for it. It isnt something to take lightly, I know mothers my own age and some younger. I want kids like yourself, I really do but I'm not at the point where I can have ones of my own just yet.

[cowmuflage]

What Vul said.

[Finduilas]

Thanks Vul, you're certainly right. I already know, that he wants to become a father, but he tells me to wait until I have something in my hands... but it's one thing to talk about via Skype, or if you see the person in real again. So I'm waiting until he comes to visit me (2 1/2 week, yes!), to talk everything through. We would be easily able to cover the costs of a child. When I get back we're going to marry, which means a more money for him each month and he does have a good job. My family also is able to support me (now they pay my tuition fees so I don't have to take a student loan) and I know my parents are looking forward to become grandparents (perhaps not so soon, but I'm sure they would be happy).
I thank you both, Vul and Cowmu, for listening to me, I feel defenitly better now, after having shared this. I've been carrying these thoughts around for quite a while now, but most people I know are just too involved with me and my life, to give me advice from the outside point of view.
I know that a child would turn my life as it is now upside down, but atm I'm quite sure this is a thing that would be just right now. I'm so sick of university and learning, I went to school my whole life, I never took a break, perhaps this was wrong- perhaps I should have taken a year off after my Abitur (it's the degree you get after finishing High School in Germany and what you need to get acces to university), but I didn't. I did what everyone expected me to do, 'cause they were so proud of me. And I'm starting to feel, like I missed something, and Sweden really helps me to clean up every thought in my head, because I have more time to think and no one talkin things into me. That's such a relief, to make my own decicions and seeing if they turn out good or bad and not blaming anybody else but me if something goes wrong. It feels good. Now I'll wait until my darling comes here, I'll talk to him about everything, perhaps we can find a solution that suits us both.

[GormanGhaste]

I'll just add that with you being sick of school and never taking a break: raising a child is a 20 year, 24 hour/day commitment that you don't have the option of taking a break from. I'm afraid if you don't finish uni or an apprenticeship now, later you'll wish you had done it before you had a child, when things were simpler.

[Mozag]

I'll just add that with you being sick of school and never taking a break: raising a child is a 20 year, 24 hour/day commitment that you don't have the option of taking a break from. I'm afraid if you don't finish uni or an apprenticeship now, later you'll wish you had done it before you had a child, when things were simpler.

I will echo these same sentiments to some extent. I am 28 and a mother of two, I had my first at 24, and it was very much unplanned. My studies, my work, my life essentially, was put on hold because I moved from London (the city my heart belongs to), to a sleepy little town in Croatia and as a consequence was very, very depressed for a long time afterwards. I gained weight, I stopped being in touch with friends, I didn't leave the house. My entire personality and self image went through a huge overhaul.

Eventually we moved to another apartment, and got a dog which started my recovery period. Now I have a job here, and lots of friends, and am working on losing the weight I gained. I feel a bit more like myself. Eventually we will move, and I hope that I will be able to recommence my studies. Sure, it's four years later than I planned, but it's never too late to study, is it?

But "I'm afraid if you don't finish uni or an apprenticeship now, later you'll wish you had done it before you had a child" this comment is not true in my case. My children matter more to me than any job or studies ever could. I repeat, there is always time to study.

I have never regretted having my kids, and although I went through some pretty dark moments, probably also fueled by post natal depression, I would do the same again, anytime.

I am sure you know what a huge change to your life a child will make, but until you have them, you truly don't understand it. There are freedoms you will need to give up that you never even thought about before, there are sacrifices that you have to make and decisions that will dictate your life. You will worry in ways and about things you never even imagined possible. And even if you're ok with money (we were not when my son was born), the mental toll of being a housewife and mom can be a strain.

So, if you're ready for the pain, the stress, and the rollercoaster of love and delight, then go for it. Only you can know if it's the right time.

[cowmuflage]

Yes you can allways study later that's true but you can allways have kids later too. If you want to be a mum first fine be one or if you want to study first fine do that it's up to you. But it's allso up to your partner too remmber to take in what he wants as he will have to go thru it as well. Don't be like the girls I know who did what they wanted and wondered why they ended up as single mothers some people don't want/can't handle kids.

EDIT: and what I mean by that is they didnt ask their partner and it ended badly and I dont want you to go thru that.

[Miyon]

Boobies, stop hurting, and stop getting zebra stripes, it's ugly.

[cowmuflage]

*sigh* Ulcers go away I know I was stupid doing that when I shouldnt of but I had that urge and I couldnt help myself now my sheets look like a bad horro film set.

[Rhyela]

Fudge. Not only am I infertile (am taking Clomid now, though), but we got my husband's results back today. Sperm count is okay, but the motility is not. Motility's one of the hardest forms of male infertility to deal with, from what I've read. He has to go to a urologist now to find out more. I'm starting to wonder if someone's trying to give me a hint that it's not meant to be. We can't afford in-vitro or adoption or anything like that either, we just can't.

*sigh*

[Mozag]

Fudge. Not only am I infertile (am taking Clomid now, though), but we got my husband's results back today. Sperm count is okay, but the motility is not. Motility's one of the hardest forms of male infertility to deal with, from what I've read. He has to go to a urologist now to find out more. I'm starting to wonder if someone's trying to give me a hint that it's not meant to be. We can't afford in-vitro or adoption or anything like that either, we just can't.

*sigh*

[cowmuflage]

D: That's terrible! *hugs*

[Rhyela]

Aw, thanks you guys. I got an actual copy of the analysis today. He has 24% motile sperm (so basically a quarter of them are moving correctly; normal motility is greater than or equal to 50%), which is better than like, 3%. However, the bad news is (ha, it gets worse!), his sperm morphology (shape, structure, etc.) is abnormal, too. Unfortunately, they did not provide the percentage of normal sperm. I read that 60% or greater is normal. So, technically, he could have something like 59% and it would have still come back as abnormal; though, given the fact that his motility sucks, I don't expect it to be higher than 20% or 25%.

I hope the urologist can tell us more. I'm sincerely hoping and praying that it's something simple like vitamin deficiency that can be easily treated. Not that it'd bring his stuff back to normal, but hopefully it would improve our chances at least a little bit.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. It's a lot to take in. At least for now, it doesn't look like either of us are completely sterile. That's always a plus.

[Cryptography]

That doesnt sound too terrible Rhy. Reduced count and poor motility, coupled with whatever factors on your own fertility issues just REDUCES the chances of a normal conception, not removes all hope. Also, sperm count and quality can vary substantially between samples.

Viable sperm from male partner and harvestable eggs from the female mean that the IVF treatment known as Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) has a good chance of working. They screen a sperm sample for active, viable sperm then implant one directly into the egg, which hopefully grows over 3-5 days into a viable blastocyst ready for implant.

I have several friends who attempted IVF, were unsuccessful or ran out of money and stopped, only to fall pregnant naturally afterwards. My lovely wife and I are one souch couple. Our initial tests sounded as "poor" as it seems yours have, yet we have a baby due in only 4 weeks. Theres definately hope for you!

(pm me if you want more info. its a heart-wrenching experience for all involved!)

[Rhyela]

Congratulations on your baby!!! I'm not giving up hope unless a doctor tells me it is medically impossible. It'll just take a lot longer for us, but we've come to terms with that.

It is definitely an emotional experience. I've been very up and down but I think I'm okay now. Thank you for your advice and for sharing your experience! It gives me more hope.

[Miraga]

I've got my fingers crossed for you, Rhyela!!

[cowmuflage]

Yeah lets hope the doctor does not tell you it is medically impossible!

[Splaticus]

I really don't want children ever. Especially not a girl after all I went through in life but I feel the mythical biological clock ticking already and I'm only 27. I see people I've known forever having kids and it makes me want to have kids with my boyfriend but ugh!

I really hope this urge doesn't get stronger. Too many people in the world as is. I guess I just wanted to know if the biological clock is true. I know its not a health issue persay but I needed to vent it some where.

[Vephriel]

God dammit I'm in so much pain today. It's going to be one of those hellish weeks. I can't even get out of bed, using my laptop like a hot water bottle. T_T The cramping is so severe I'm in tears from how much it hurts. Fucking hate this time of month, especially when it's a bad one like this. WTS [Uterus] pst.

[cowmuflage]

Oh god I know how you feel I'd like to sell mine too. Stupid ulcers why can't I do anything down there with out you guys showing up?