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Thought I was feeling better. I actually slept. But... I'm still feeling antsy... It was okay until I started studying.. and realizing how much work I have to do and all of that.. it's hard to concentrate.. and I want to relax with certain things which I can't have right now... So.. Yeah.. I just want to curl up and cry. Actually... yesterday.. I REALLY wished I had a car... I wanted to go out to the middle of nowhere, with nobody anywhere near to hear ANYTHING.. and just.. scream.. and howl... and do WHATEVER I felt like...

Doesn't help that I won't know if I can get exam deferral until monday... I KNOW that I can get the supporting documentation that I need... But even if I get defered... I don't know if they'll be willing to do it with TWO of my exams.. or if I'll just get one moved...

Things aren't so good at the moment, and the problem is that I don't even know what the REAL issue is. There's.. 3 kind of floating around at the moment. One... Is bugging me a bit, but it's just something I need to get of my mind with the relevant people.. and the fact that my brain doesn't believe stuff until actions prove it... I'm pretty sure that one isn't the main issue... I just need to wait.. and trust.. and all that, which is all pretty hard for me.

The other is my exam schedule. I will NOT be able to do all my exams if I can't get deferred... There's no question at all about that.. I will crack.. I'm already cracking. And I won't know if I can get deferred until monday.. and my first exam is tuesday... I'm hoping to get 2 deferred.. the wed one, and one of my thurs ones (Yes, I have 1 exam tuesday, one wed, and TWO thurs... on the first week of exams... with no break week before for studying.. classes ended this past thurs... my stress/anxiety can't handle it..) But.. I won't know until really late.. so...

The other is the mental health assessment that I did online. It does have me worried. And I'm having a hard time calming myself down. I couldn't get an appointment earlier than the 17th... which is pretty far... Not overly happy about it.. and I don't have anyone I can actually talk to about it. Online people are good and all.. but.. it's not the same. It's not what I NEED when it comes to something like this. I feel like this is the big one... because depending on what the doctor says... I could be faced with.. decisions that pretty much go against who I am. And I guess that I'm worried that when the time comes... I won't have what I need to get through that...

I'm taking the morning off studying today.. Just because.. I NEED the break... I'll do my afternoon session... But.. I just can't focus.. It's just ... ... I'm going to go play and set some things on fire I think... see if that will distract me a bit...

Log in thinking "yeah gunna get some eggs!" realise the holiday don't start till 6pm today >.> it's 7 am atm.

I'm not really supposed to "like" people - And I'm really supposed to not "like like" somebody I haven't met in reality before...
Even though we're both going through shit-fests IRL and supporting each other through it the best we can.

He's like a brother I never had.

I'm so pissed off and disappointed. Stupid guildmates

Bored.

Bleh, beta is broken atm, no gather quest are working so pretty much everythings ground to a halt...Normally I'd be alright with that, but its been about 48hrs since the quests were broken...that IS a long time for things to remain this broken. Beta's pretty quiet atm.

It was also a really busy day for my daughter today, she didnt get a nap yesterday, went to bed REALLY late, didn't get a nap today since I had my Dad and Grandma visiting from out of town, on top of that we all went over to the inlaws for easter/bday party for Mikayla. She also had more chocolates then she should have today, and was VERY cranky. Instead of being helpful my BF was short tempered, snappy, blames me for our daughters crankyness, even though he had today off as well and could have at ANY time put her down for a nap, or done something about the sweets. But no...He didnt even change her diaper when it was really ful and he saw it needed to be done, instead he went off to the bathroom for a long time and his stepdad got mad and went and changed her, and I was the one getting glared at! FFS!!! My BF saw she needed to be changed, he said she needed to be changed, I told him that he can change her since she was RIGHT beside him damn all!! Getting really sick of this!!

Guh, I've had a headache since last night, and it's just really frustrating me. I only have one more day of vacation, I wish I didn't feel so crappy today.

Slept badly, and break ended. Sigh…

LupisDarkmoon wrote:Slept badly, and break ended. Sigh…

Aw, no. You don't get Easter Monday off? Aww.

My rant: Warrior, y u so squishy! Got fed up and deleted it.

So.. came in to do my deferrals.. And the bitch at the counter says "Next time don't pick courses when the exams are so close together" ... SERIOUSLY? Okay, 3 problems with that. 1. I had last pick. So I was pretty much stuck with whatever would meet my program requirements that was left. 2. The classes i took WERE classes I needed. I had no choice but to take these, especially since they're prereqs for my later classes. 3... WHEN I MADE THE SCHEDULE THE FREAKING EXAM DATES WEREN'T POSTED.

Yes.. I could have requested the deferrals earlier.. or gotten consideration/special privilege to write them at another date or something.. But the thing is.. I was PLANNING on writing them. I was PLANNING on starting my studying weeks ago. But THEN I ended up having 5 papers due in the last 2 weeks, plus a group debate. I haven't been freaking sleeping or eating properly in WEEKS. My downtime has been limited to an HOUR OR TWO per day. I didn't even KNOW about deferrals until I FINALLY gave in and went to see a counselor/therapist (which I dislike doing, for a point the counselor pointed out.. I KNOW all the cognitive theory theories that they suggest, so it's almost pointless). SO NO! I couldn't have done this earlier! MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULD DO A BETTER FREAKING JOB AT LETTING PEOPLE KNOW THEIR DAMN FREAKING OPTIONS!

...

...

*SCREAMS*

Got like... One or two hours of sleep. Can't take a nap or I'll have the same problem of not being able to sleep. So jealous of my cats ability to just like, fall asleep. Whenever he feels like it. Ugh.
Also... I dislike early classes. I wish I got the day off.

And oh my god I wish animals could just magically learn to look both ways before crossing a street... The sight of road kill is just so painful for me...

The US health system is screwed - and I'm not even talking about insurance because I've mostly been paying for this crap myself. But the damned doctors just keep referring me to other doctors and repeating the same bloody inconclusive tests. Seriously, how hard is it for someone to stick a needle in my leg and do a damned biopsy? Dr #1 did an MRI and sent me to Dr #2 for a biopsy. Okay. But Dr #2 charged me $150 for 5 minutes of poking at my leg and then sent me to Dr #3 for a biopsy. And Dr #3 kept me waiting for 2 hours in an exam room, only to look at the MRI results I had faxed ahead days ago - and nothing else. He didn't even look at my leg! Then he set up a consultation for me to see Dr #4 - after another MRI, this one of my chest to see whether the thing in my leg, which may or may not be cancer, has spread. Dr #4 will look at that scan and then do a biopsy ... I guess. Maybe? But no one can explain why that scan should happen before the biopsy, which might well show that the mass in my leg is non-cancerous, and which will need to be done whether or not the maybe-cancer has spread. When I asked Dr #4 about this, he handed me off to a nurse who rapidly got pissy with me, kept saying she didn't know why the doctor had ordered what he had, and told me I should just do what the doctor said because he knows what he's doing and its standard procedure anyway. And that's great except ... did I mention I am paying for this crap myself? Never mind that they want to stick me in the hospital for 2-3 days for a test that takes less than an hour, because patients in the hospital get priority over other patients and hanging out in an expensive hospital room for a couple of days is apparently the fastest way to see Dr #4.

Or, you know, Dr #2 or Dr #3 could have done what I made the appointment for - a biopsy of my goddamned leg - and I would not still be wandering around at this point wondering if I'm going to be bloody well dead in two years.

They does sound like shit :/

haven't been able to focus at all ALL day. Haven't gotten asingle shred of studying done. First exam is tomorrow... And I did study for it, but.. really not sure HOW to study for it since the prof isn't that great.

I'm not doing well. I'm... I'm at that point of stress/anxiety/depression/whatever... Where I look in the mirror.. and see nothing. Just a hollow shell. Like i don't recognize the image that I see. It scares me when I get like this.

And trying to make someone new in my life understand these times is... hard...

Empty...
Hollow...
Look in the mirror and nothing is looking back...
Just a shell...
Alone...

Yes, I'm capable of getting through these high anxiety/depressive times alone. But.. THIS is how I get "sick"... I don't come down with physical illnesses often. THIS is when it would be NICE to have someone "take care" of me. Do little nice things... Make me dinner... say meaningless nice phrases like "it'll be okay"... "you aren't alone" bring me "medicine" (ie.. small cheap.. like.. $1... gifts that show I'm not alone and are meaningful enough to cheer me up... or even better.. hugs and being held.. physical pressure helps a LOT)... And yes.. Like being sick as most people consider it, I CAN get better on my own. When actually sick.. I CAN drag myself to the store dead on my feet to get nyquil, and soup, and so on... I CAN do the things that make me get better. But when you're sick.. it can help a LOT to have someone do those things for you. So you don't stress your body. So you can rest.

Now.. I CAN get better. I can push "myself" aside. Bury it deep down so that I don't go crazy. Make myself stop feeling anything. Simply acting on instinct and instantaneous reactions with no forethought or anything. I can get myself "medicine"... but it's not even remotely close to the same I'd get from others... Some would even say it's unhealthy. But it helps... when I have to be alone. But it's different than when I have a support person to literally hold my hand and tell me I'm not alone. Yes, either way I'll be okay... But like being physically ill... it takes longer when you have to care for yourself. All there is to do is to ride it out. Like spending a hurricane on the open ocean with nothing but a flimsy raft made of rotting logs. Eventually the storm will subside. Eventually... the raft will wash up on shore somewhere. It would just be easier, and faster with a boat to tow me out of the storm.

People don't understand what it's like to feel like you're choking all the time. To feel "fine" and then suddenly start coughing and gagging, like there's a rope around your neck drawing tighter. To have the disturbing feeling that your body feels like it should be torn open. Like a thousand knives should be standing out from your heart... throat... stomach... To feel like it's WRONG when you can't see... feel... smell... or taste... blood draining from your body. To feel like liquid life is seeping out and not SEE the blood... The red.. crimson.. metallic ...

And when I do wash up, I'll be the same as before. I'll be happy. I'll laugh at the sight of rainbows filling my room and go chase butterflies and bunnies. I'll find joy in everything and live like life is the most wonderful thing in the world.

But that will take a while. Alone... there's nothing to do but ride the storm. Lock myself up tight to preserve that innocent, life loving part of myself. Hope that there's something left for that part of myself to return to... Hope that it's not too late... Hope that this time... that this time... I don't finally give in...






And yes.. for those that might be worrying given what I've said... I have both a doctors appointment AND a follow up with one of the university's counselors/therapists... But not until next week.. It's the soonest I could get.

CrystalKitten wrote:And yes.. for those that might be worrying given what I've said... I have both a doctors appointment AND a follow up with one of the university's counselors/therapists... But not until next week.. It's the soonest I could get.

Just promise us that if things get too bad before then, you call a crisis hotline. I'm not sure where you live, so here's a link that can find a hotline near you:
http://www.befrienders.org/support/helplines.asp

GormanGhaste wrote:

CrystalKitten wrote:And yes.. for those that might be worrying given what I've said... I have both a doctors appointment AND a follow up with one of the university's counselors/therapists... But not until next week.. It's the soonest I could get.

Just promise us that if things get too bad before then, you call a crisis hotline. I'm not sure where you live, so here's a link that can find a hotline near you:
http://www.befrienders.org/support/helplines.asp

Thanks, but those things are useless to me. I honestly DESPISE the patronizing tone they all have. Those kind of things only help me when they come from people that are actually a part of my life in some way or another. I've tried them before. WORSE case.. I'll go for another walk-in and hope that one of the 2 people on campus that I actually don't mind are around...

/enormous facepalm

Terrorpene has lost his eliteness, only casts his signature move for a couple seconds, and is a fraction of the size he once was. I bought a crapton of things and brought a corehound for the hysteria buff and i could of probably walked away with just a little under half my health without any buffs at all (i was at 70% on a 7 second tame). Wasted a crapton of gold for the pots cause i have yet to encounter a non-elite cata rare beast spawn that was completely designed for being tamed by hunters to try and survive the encounter with Terrorpene only to find out he's a pipsqueak. Seriously blizz? Ugh. Now im sure all the tameables are nerfed which is probably why non-hunters kept poking in on his spawn route, hoping to make a quick 25g. *prays she can catch Karoma without losing her or finding her dead*

Xakaal wrote:/enormous facepalm

Terrorpene has lost his eliteness, only casts his signature move for a couple seconds, and is a fraction of the size he once was. I bought a crapton of things and brought a corehound for the hysteria buff and i could of probably walked away with just a little under half my health without any buffs at all (i was at 70% on a 7 second tame). Wasted a crapton of gold for the pots cause i have yet to encounter a non-elite cata rare beast spawn that was completely designed for being tamed by hunters to try and survive the encounter with Terrorpene only to find out he's a pipsqueak. Seriously blizz? Ugh. Now im sure all the tameables are nerfed which is probably why non-hunters kept poking in on his spawn route, hoping to make a quick 25g. *prays she can catch Karoma without losing her or finding her dead*

Terrorpene was never an elite if I recall the dozens of times I've tamed him. It was just his signature move that was a bitch.