A word of explanation concerning my behavior
Posted: Tue May 08, 2012 7:12 am
Against the advice of a former friend and my better judgement, I feel I have to explain myself. You guys remember how I used to be an officer in Petopians and then for a few wonderful months was guild leader of Petopian Alliance? And then, for all appearances said "screw you all" and took off? I just wanted to explain why. I also feel I have nothing left to lose as far as the Petopian community is concerned. I have more enemies than friends here now. Actually, I don't have many of my friends left from Petopians now. As some of you may know, I've struggled with depression and anxiety for some time. When it flares up, I get really bad. When I took over leadership of Petopian Alliance, I thought I could handle the responsibility, since I'd been stable for some time, and I loved those guilds and the community in them. I was so excited to be leading PA with my former good friend Korii leading Petopians. I felt like I could help make PA as wonderful of a community as Petopians was and is. And then I cracked. Again. It was precipitated by a simple disagreement among officers, something that should have been discussed and dismissed. But tell that to my crazy little head when I'm depressed...long story short, I lost it and let down a community of people I valued. Then proceeded to behave like a total jerk to try and hide the hurt and embarrassment. I am sorry for that. I've lost pretty much every friend I had made in Petopians, and lost the community and guild I valued so highly. So, for those of you, and I know you're out there, who are bitter towards me for what I did...yes, I have been "punished" sufficiently, if that makes you feel better. And believe me, I beat myself up for what I did on a regular basis.
I'm not expecting sympathy, forgiveness or pity. I just wanted to tell you guys why I did what I did, even tho it doesn't make that much sense, even to me. Just know that I didn't abandon my responsibilities out of a lack of caring. Don't think that I didn't care about my guildies. I just was convinced it was best for me to go, and that it was better for everyone that I did.
On the upside, I'm going to therapy regularly now. I've lost my job over this latest episode of depression crap, and am putting off graduation from college. But at least I'm getting help.
I'm not expecting sympathy, forgiveness or pity. I just wanted to tell you guys why I did what I did, even tho it doesn't make that much sense, even to me. Just know that I didn't abandon my responsibilities out of a lack of caring. Don't think that I didn't care about my guildies. I just was convinced it was best for me to go, and that it was better for everyone that I did.
On the upside, I'm going to therapy regularly now. I've lost my job over this latest episode of depression crap, and am putting off graduation from college. But at least I'm getting help.
