I'm a wreck (beware: long read)
Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:50 pm
I write this not expecting any replies or anything of that sort, I just need to get this all out there.
As some of you may or may not know, my grandfather was critically injured in a car accident last Thursday. Well, at first he didn't seem to have major injuries, but he was rushed to the trauma center later after he was having trouble breathing and his blood pressure dropped too low. After he stabilized a little, they moved him to intensive care. He's got eight broken ribs on both sides, two fractured vertebrae, a broken shoulder; plus he had a bladder infection, fluid in the lungs, and some pretty nasty cuts. It's a miracle he and his daughter weren't killed, and that he didn't get any punctured lungs with the broken ribs or internal bleeding or anything like that. For the past few days or so, they've slowly weaned him off the ventilator they had him on to help him breathe, and have taken him off the blood pressure medication machine thingy (that was keeping his blood pressure up since his was too low). Things were looking a little better. But last night, I was told by my brother that they've taken him off the pain medication for the most part, and off the ventilator and the blood pressure thingy. That all sounds good, but now the problem is that his blood pressure can't keep itself up on its own, and he isn't waking up. He's completely unresponsive to pain, sound, etc. A nurse even applied pressure to one of his bruises to try to get a response, and got nothing. Plus he's now running a fever, suggesting that he has an infection somewhere. They are also worried he's going to get pneumonia.
Now, this is a lot for anyone to go through, like someone my age, but let alone an 82 or 83 year old man. Plus, his heart was only beating at 30% capacity before all this. He was born with a heart deformity that required a major ground-breaking surgery (for its time), and has had congestive heart failure one or two times, prostate cancer, etc. He wasn't supposed to live past his 20's and here he is in his 80's. But anyhow, his cardiologist said previous to this accident that Grandpa's heart only had a year or so left in it. He's got a pacemaker, but that doesn't replace the actual heart itself. His heart is just getting worn out. So our concern is that this accident put too much trauma or stress on his already-fading heart. I'm losing my train of thought here..... Oh, I guess as of yesterday his heart is only doing about 20% of its capacity now, which is bad. So it looked like he was getting better for a while, but now things are taking a turn for the worst.
(If religion talk offends some of you, skip the below paragraph. I talk about this because this has to do with how I'm feeling right now)
Our family is religious, however (though we don't affiliate ourselves with Christianity or any other religion), so I do believe in the soul and in heaven (not sure I believe in hell). I know my grandfather is saved, and he and my grandma had spoken about a month ago about the state of things. He told her that if he were to go, he's not worried or scared, because he knows his soul is in the right place with God. That's very comforting for me, but that doesn't stop my heart from aching from his absence. However, we have kind of wondered if maybe this is God's way of bringing grandpa home. Grandpa was diagnosed with bladder cancer in March, and since he was so weak, they didn't want to have him undergo chemotherapy or radiation treatments. So, starting this Monday (two days ago) they were going to do this really brutal process of injecting the tuberculosis virus into his bladder, letting it sit in there for a couple hours, flushing it out with this drink, then washing his..."stuff" with a bleach mixture, then repeating for several more hours. Six hours in one day per week, for the next six weeks. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think I'd want to go through that. So we wonder if maybe he's supposed to pass on, asleep (under anesthesia) and without pain (since he's been on pain meds). He's been asleep since Thursday. This cancer treatment would have been painful and rough on his aging body, so maybe having this accident was meant to be? I mean, it's odd that his daughter Lisa escaped with only a couple scrapes when it was her side of the car that got slammed. These are the things we wonder, because my family believes that our lives are in God's hands, and maybe God just didn't want Grandpa going through all that so He's decided to just bring him home.
(Lost train of thought again because some guy at work just came and blabbed to me for like 30 minutes when I'm reeeeally not in the mood to yack right now)
So, I've got all this above going on in my mind. I try not to be sad, but I've broken down a couple times. Then today I feel just totally in the dumps, down at the bottom of some dark, dank, pit. Probably because, hooray, I'm PMSing now. I don't always get really moody, but today I've just felt like crying for no reason at all, I can't concentrate on diddly squat, I feel depressed and dark, my back hurts, and I'm starving. I don't want to talk to anyone, do anything or be anywhere. But now I'm supposed to go to Bible study at my grandma's house tonight. Everyone's going to be sad and depressed like me, and I just don't know if I can handle that right now. I just feel totally and utterly miserable. I'm getting upset about stupid things like missing an egg on Dragon Cave, bird poop being on my car, and my hair.
Oh, and I took my doggy to the vet on Monday and spent $330, about twice what I was hoping it'd be, because she has a couple big hot spots/sores. The worst one is right at the base of her tail. I had no idea it was that bad. I knew she was itchy and she had been biting/licking the area, but she's a pekingese so she has all this fur and I couldn't see that big sore. So they shaved her bald in a couple areas so I can apply this spray stuff to her, which she doesn't like because it probably burns, and to keep her from biting herself she's wearing a lampshade (buster collar). So with alllll this other crap, I also feel bad in the back of my mind that I let her itching get so bad that she hurt herself. No, I didn't know it was that bad, but I still feel like I should have known or something. Plus with it costing that much, my husband and I probably won't get to spend as much at Cedar Point for our five-year anniversary this Friday.
It's just.....like so much is happening all at once, and I'm just going crazy. I haven't been this moody and emotional in a long time. I wish I could hide out in my house for the next month or so and just brood and wallow in my own self-pity. But I need to be there for my family, and for my grandmother especially.
/sigh.
Thanks for listening, those of you who put yourselves through reading this drivel.
As some of you may or may not know, my grandfather was critically injured in a car accident last Thursday. Well, at first he didn't seem to have major injuries, but he was rushed to the trauma center later after he was having trouble breathing and his blood pressure dropped too low. After he stabilized a little, they moved him to intensive care. He's got eight broken ribs on both sides, two fractured vertebrae, a broken shoulder; plus he had a bladder infection, fluid in the lungs, and some pretty nasty cuts. It's a miracle he and his daughter weren't killed, and that he didn't get any punctured lungs with the broken ribs or internal bleeding or anything like that. For the past few days or so, they've slowly weaned him off the ventilator they had him on to help him breathe, and have taken him off the blood pressure medication machine thingy (that was keeping his blood pressure up since his was too low). Things were looking a little better. But last night, I was told by my brother that they've taken him off the pain medication for the most part, and off the ventilator and the blood pressure thingy. That all sounds good, but now the problem is that his blood pressure can't keep itself up on its own, and he isn't waking up. He's completely unresponsive to pain, sound, etc. A nurse even applied pressure to one of his bruises to try to get a response, and got nothing. Plus he's now running a fever, suggesting that he has an infection somewhere. They are also worried he's going to get pneumonia.
Now, this is a lot for anyone to go through, like someone my age, but let alone an 82 or 83 year old man. Plus, his heart was only beating at 30% capacity before all this. He was born with a heart deformity that required a major ground-breaking surgery (for its time), and has had congestive heart failure one or two times, prostate cancer, etc. He wasn't supposed to live past his 20's and here he is in his 80's. But anyhow, his cardiologist said previous to this accident that Grandpa's heart only had a year or so left in it. He's got a pacemaker, but that doesn't replace the actual heart itself. His heart is just getting worn out. So our concern is that this accident put too much trauma or stress on his already-fading heart. I'm losing my train of thought here..... Oh, I guess as of yesterday his heart is only doing about 20% of its capacity now, which is bad. So it looked like he was getting better for a while, but now things are taking a turn for the worst.
(If religion talk offends some of you, skip the below paragraph. I talk about this because this has to do with how I'm feeling right now)
Our family is religious, however (though we don't affiliate ourselves with Christianity or any other religion), so I do believe in the soul and in heaven (not sure I believe in hell). I know my grandfather is saved, and he and my grandma had spoken about a month ago about the state of things. He told her that if he were to go, he's not worried or scared, because he knows his soul is in the right place with God. That's very comforting for me, but that doesn't stop my heart from aching from his absence. However, we have kind of wondered if maybe this is God's way of bringing grandpa home. Grandpa was diagnosed with bladder cancer in March, and since he was so weak, they didn't want to have him undergo chemotherapy or radiation treatments. So, starting this Monday (two days ago) they were going to do this really brutal process of injecting the tuberculosis virus into his bladder, letting it sit in there for a couple hours, flushing it out with this drink, then washing his..."stuff" with a bleach mixture, then repeating for several more hours. Six hours in one day per week, for the next six weeks. Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think I'd want to go through that. So we wonder if maybe he's supposed to pass on, asleep (under anesthesia) and without pain (since he's been on pain meds). He's been asleep since Thursday. This cancer treatment would have been painful and rough on his aging body, so maybe having this accident was meant to be? I mean, it's odd that his daughter Lisa escaped with only a couple scrapes when it was her side of the car that got slammed. These are the things we wonder, because my family believes that our lives are in God's hands, and maybe God just didn't want Grandpa going through all that so He's decided to just bring him home.
(Lost train of thought again because some guy at work just came and blabbed to me for like 30 minutes when I'm reeeeally not in the mood to yack right now)
So, I've got all this above going on in my mind. I try not to be sad, but I've broken down a couple times. Then today I feel just totally in the dumps, down at the bottom of some dark, dank, pit. Probably because, hooray, I'm PMSing now. I don't always get really moody, but today I've just felt like crying for no reason at all, I can't concentrate on diddly squat, I feel depressed and dark, my back hurts, and I'm starving. I don't want to talk to anyone, do anything or be anywhere. But now I'm supposed to go to Bible study at my grandma's house tonight. Everyone's going to be sad and depressed like me, and I just don't know if I can handle that right now. I just feel totally and utterly miserable. I'm getting upset about stupid things like missing an egg on Dragon Cave, bird poop being on my car, and my hair.
Oh, and I took my doggy to the vet on Monday and spent $330, about twice what I was hoping it'd be, because she has a couple big hot spots/sores. The worst one is right at the base of her tail. I had no idea it was that bad. I knew she was itchy and she had been biting/licking the area, but she's a pekingese so she has all this fur and I couldn't see that big sore. So they shaved her bald in a couple areas so I can apply this spray stuff to her, which she doesn't like because it probably burns, and to keep her from biting herself she's wearing a lampshade (buster collar). So with alllll this other crap, I also feel bad in the back of my mind that I let her itching get so bad that she hurt herself. No, I didn't know it was that bad, but I still feel like I should have known or something. Plus with it costing that much, my husband and I probably won't get to spend as much at Cedar Point for our five-year anniversary this Friday.
It's just.....like so much is happening all at once, and I'm just going crazy. I haven't been this moody and emotional in a long time. I wish I could hide out in my house for the next month or so and just brood and wallow in my own self-pity. But I need to be there for my family, and for my grandmother especially.
/sigh.
Thanks for listening, those of you who put yourselves through reading this drivel.
So, we had all been there all night, for hours and hours, but while we were away is when he passed on. So maybe he wanted it that way, maybe subconsciously or something he was able to tell we weren't there and he didn't want us to see him go through that? I don't know, but I believe that things happened the way they were supposed to, and I shouldn't question it or wonder about the what-if's.