R.I.P. Dexter

[Zeilla8]

Veph, I'm so so so sorry to hear you went through this. It just brought tears to my eyes. It's a horrible thing to have to watch and live through. I went through something similar with my childhood dog. I had to put her down when I was 19. She was so old and crippled, it was ofc the right thing to do, but it still haunts me. I had an accident when I was carrying her into my apartment for her last night. I dropped her, and she screamed. It's hard to describe an animal screaming, it's just the most horrible sound. I was so horrified and god I can't even tell you how bad I felt and still feel. Her last night on Earth and I drop her. It still haunts me. She was already in so much pain, and I made her worse. I know it was an accident, but it doesn't change that the sound will never leave me. That I hurt her, will never leave me. The worst of it is just being so helpless, like you said, just watching Dexter. You would give anything to be able to help but there's nothing you can do in that moment.

For me the guilty feeling I have over that accident has never left me. It's been 10 years, and I don't think it ever will. When I talk about her I still have so many awesome memories and hilarious things we used to do when I was a kid. I love to look at pictures I have of her and remember what an awesome dog she was. I still have nights though where I'll wake up almost screaming and have the haunted feeling of dropping her. I do promise though, in time you will remember more of the good than the bad and you'll hear the scream less and less often.

I wish you all the best in this very difficult time. I am so glad you and your boyfriend have each other to get through this.

<3 Z

[Aritria]

I'm a bit late to this thread, but my deepest condolences to you. Losing a personality, a soul even, that's as close to you as a pet is never easy. I hope that the wound has started to heal, though closing without a scar is always minimal.

[Vephriel]

I appreciate all of your thoughts, truly.

A few weeks have passed, and though I'll never be over it completely, the pain's scabbed over enough that it's not so raw to bring up the memory anymore.

I have his ashes now, they came in a black pearl urn with his name engraved on the front. I remember when we went to pick them up and I reached out to take the urn I was expecting it to be cool to the touch, but it had a warmth that honestly surprised me. Even now when I sometimes go to rest a hand on it there's never the cold stone temperature that I expect, and it makes me smile.

Here I am talking about how it's easier to discuss and I've started crying again typing this, agh. Nonetheless, I am feeling more at peace every day that goes by, I still miss him fiercely though.

[pengupuff]

It is very hard for those who aren't animal lovers to understand how devastating the death of an animal companion can be. They are each unique, special individuals with a personality and soul, and Dexter was no exception.

Perhaps the biggest problem with animal friends is that their lifespans are typically much shorter than our own, but it's obvious that Dexter had a very happy life with you and was thoroughly loved. And despite how gruesome it may have been to watch, I think it's best that you were with him when he passed. I'm sure your presence comforted him.

All in all I'm very sorry for your loss. Hang in there, and try to focus on the happy memories you have of your beloved cat.

[Aritria]

You got him cremated! How nice, I hope the Urn reflects his life presence. You'll always miss him, but when you forget about those who have passed on is only when they become truly dead.

You know, there's an old Sailor's tale of the seagulls that circle fishing boats. Each gull is a remanant of a soul that was lost at sea, and to warn others of the potential severity of the job, they stay close to those who live, so they land on the bow of the ship to keep watch over the living. I think Dexter will find his way back to you in his Corporeal form eventually, even if it's just as a butterfly fluttering by.

Agh, I'm rambling now, but it's nice to hear that you're doing better.

[Niabi]

Oh Veph hun, I'm glad to hear you are doing better now. I truly, truly empathize with your situation. Nobody wants to see their babies suffer.

I honestly can't remember how long it took me to get over the loss of my own cat a year ago. My husband and I had no idea anything was even wrong until it was already too late. He just started to not act like himself one day and so we carefully monitored him making sure he was eating/drinking and using the litterbox ok. Two days later he had become quite lethargic and we were noticing he was eating less to almost nothing by then. My husband and I made arrangements for him to be seen by our regular vet but before the day of his appointment had come, my husband and I came home from work to find our baby wheezing up blood from his nose and mouth. We rushed him to an Emergency Pet Clinic and x-rays showed a massive blockage in his abdominal cavity (the vet thinks he might have gotten into our trash somehow and had eaten some tin foil with food on it because he was strickly an indoor cat). The x-ray also confirmed he had massive abdominal bleeding and his kidneys had both tripled in size to the point of almost complete shutdown. The vet then explained to us that the damage done already was too extensive for surgery to be a likely option. We could give it a try but we'd have to face the probability of him not surviving the surgery and be able to finance the cost of extensive renal treatment (for his kidneys) which would probably only extend his suffering further. I made the hardest decision I ever had to make that day and had him humanely euthanized. Before the vet administered the injection, he allowed me and my husband some private time to say our goodbyes. I rocked my baby in my arms for a good long while (oh gawd, here comes the waterworks), telling him how much we loved him, what a good boy he was, and how where he was going - he would no longer hurt or suffer anymore.

I remember I called out of work for the first week to two weeks because I couldn't deal with anything or anyone at that point. By the third week I had to force myself to go back to work and deal with the outside world again but I remember I would still randomly burst into tears anytime I even thought of my poor baby or what happened to him. Eventually, as the months went by the pain started to ebb little by little. His final moments were so tragic for me that in the end, I chose not to keep his ashes because I felt it would just be too much for me to cope with every time I looked at his urn.

Ok, I am now officially blinded by my own tears. I just wanted to share my story so you know Dexter is not alone. He has my Auron with him and they will both be waiting for us when it is our time to pass on from this world.

[Aritria]

Aww, Niabi. That must one of the hardest things to do, to choose between surgery, prolonging the pets suffering, and euthanizing them.

[Niabi]

Thank you Carlaza. It was heartbreaking, but I know in the end, it was the right thing to do.

Naturally, I wanted more than anything to keep my kitty alive but it would have been selfish of me to push on and on with evasive measures just in the hopes of keeping him alive. The vet only gave him a 10% chance for survival, if that, of making it through the surgery plus not to mention that my cat's kidneys were almost completely destroyed. It would've been too much for his poor little body to handle. I decided that the best thing I could do for him as his mother was to give him a peaceful release.

I miss him so much.

[Vephriel]

Aw, Niabi.
I would be right there with you on your decision. Reading your initial post there brought tears to my eyes. I've never had to make that kind of decision, but I know if I had to choose between keeping a pet alive through suffering and pain just for my own sake, or letting them go peacefully I would choose the latter. I can only imagine the strength of heart and mind it would take to make that decision, but I think you're much happier having done so.

[YØma]

my thoughts are with you veph iv lost 2 pets in the last 5 years.