Broken Heart (Ex-Troubles and confusion)

[PorrasouxRex]

Well, I don't normally ask for advice often like this. But, over the years I've known petopia to have the kindest community around. Here is my story (Long story)

Well, me and my ex have dated for 6 months. (I'm 16, she's turning 15 in December) and we're very different people, but care for each other very much (atleast, how I feel) I first met her in Febuary of this year. At my lunch period 6th halfway through the year. After two weeks, I found out she liked me (She was my first love) and I took her to see Red Riding Hood, and then a special treat at Applebee's. She told me afterwards that she loved me. (Atleast, in spanish) and over the next few months everyone knew we were together. I saw her every day, and waited for her after my classes and to walk with her. We didn't care if we were late or had to run. We hugged hello, and goodbye. During lunch, she had these mood swings where she can be very snappy at her friends, yet call it a joke (Cursing, insulting your family, ect.) but she always was sweet to me. Whenever I invited her to something in those few couple of months, she would try to find time to come. We went to the Mall 3 times, Movies 4 times, she came to my Taekwondo class only once. But she never got back to me whenever I invited her to come to our/or her house. She always hugged and flirted with me a bit, and I carried her on my back alot. For those first couple of months, everything was fine. Best moments of my life and I started to love her very much.

But those were the good times. Now, here comes the painful parts. After three months of being together, her female friend and another guy friend (who I scared off) started slapping her rear. So after they stopped, I figured after all the flirts and sexual pokes she did, I could tease back and gently slapped her rear. She got on the bench, and kicked my right in the ribs and yelled "I DON'T LIKE THAT" which, afterwards made me heartbroken for the rest of the day. That moment. That day is when everything started falling apart. On the same day I expressed how I felt, and told her to stop letting other people touch her, and to stop treating me like some kind of punching bag (She practiced kicks on me for some random reason) and she felt horrible. She said she even cried. Well, over the following months she grew less and less interested, and she started talking to our friends more than she paid attention to me. I mean, she sent me pictures, texted, and called me a few more times, as well as everything else. But then she transformed into a snappy, really moody person at me sometimes. She spat at my arm when I tried to carass her cheeks, she interupted when I tried to speak by shoving food or her hand on my mouth. So, I expressed myself a second time at what her limits were, and this time she just said "Ok, I'm very sorry" so no "Oh I'm terrible" or "I'm crying" this time in response. But it gets interesting later. I bought her about 40 dollars worth of gifts from a vacation spot me and my family went to as summer started. She said she adored them, and appearently still has every gift I gave her in her room. But anyway, during the summer she started paying less and less attention. I tried to connect with her. Even buying games and wasting money just to hang out with her. Got LIVE for the first time, only to be called an idiot by her and her friends. (Which, I just quit) I always invited her to things with me. She never got back to me other than "Dunno" and such. In July, I emailed her if she still wants me, even after me turning a little stressed out (I was turning a bit stressed/moody after a mix of finals, heartache, and a death in the family) and she said she still wanted to. Then, a month later on Augest 16th, my female friend that actually hanged out with me during the summer that I talked to about this told me to text her with the question "I love you very much. Do you love me back?" And she replied with "I just think I'm too young to love, how do you feel?" I told her how I felt about our relationship, and how she distanced herself over the summer. She said that "I think I just need to be a free bird." and "I only want you" "I don't want to lose you as a great friend" and "It hurts me to know you're hurting"

And that's how the breakup happened. I heard from a friend she cried alot, and she was very depressed afterwards. (Which she "cured" with coffee and Xbox) but I was different. I accepted the break-up at first because I was done with the emotional pain. She was very friendly with me over the first weeks of school. But then she started flirting with guys infront of me the same way she did to me. (Feeling chest, hair) and other things. So I distanced myself from her. Then, we got back to being good friends after two weeks of being pretty distant. (I avoided seeing her in the morning/lunch) and it was fine. I didn't invite her to my birthday party, and said it was canceled even though she still never gave me anything. We went to open house together, and she showed me mixed signals. I was happy. Because I thought that she had matured a bit, and maybe things could work out. We had played Xbox with each other for the whole weekend. Then, on Monday she embarassed AND broke my heart infront of everyone at the lunch table (I had lunch again with her this year, same period, but more of her "Drama/bitchy friends this time) and I just walked out. I then heard from one of those friends she seemed "Happier that you were gone" and I just lost it. I talked to her about it, and her response was "BAAAAAAAAAAW" I didn't see her, didn't talk to her, nothing. There was one moment where I got moody again, and she told me to "Chill" and that was that. Then one of my OWN female friends told her that I still loved her, considered my soulmate, and that I would always care for her even if she didn't for me anymore" to which she replied "I don't want to really talk about that right now" and just dropped it. Then, after a few awkward conversations we got back as good friends. Then, after two weeks my friend Chenya told me my ex doesn't want a boyfriend right now, and my ex told her that "She said "Probably not" to the question if me and her would get back together in the future" To where Chenya saw tears come from my eyes. Which she told my ex, as well as my response being "I'll still have feelings for you, even if you don't for me." which, I think I made the dumbest mistake telling her to say that. To which my ex reacted with a laugh and said "But we already talked about this."

So now, here we are, around recent time. Two weeks ago, me and her went to the Comic Con in New York, and she decided to text me the 2nd day we were there, not bothering to ask if I was already there yesterday. I asked her if we could meet up, but she just made a joke and never got back to me of if she wanted to hang out. So I then had an idea of inspiration in my mind. I would focus my heart and soul on trying to become good friends with her again. And it worked. Even after some jealous guy who liked her told her in the middle of the two weeks that I said to him that "She's immature, and I'm too mature so that we could never be more than friends" where she got pissed at, but didn't totally believe I would say that. Which I cleared up with "I would never badmouth or say anything to insult you." And now, after two weeks she's been having on and off days of being attention to me, and this new guy I think she likes. Over the course of me trying to bond with her as a friend again, she met this guy in class that she fools around with (I have never had a class with her except lunch, we just saw each other in-between) and since then she's called him, sat next to him at his table a few times, and then finally said that she thinks his table is "Cooler" than our original table and her and her bitchy friends all moved to this guy's table. Which, her friends are obviously trying to promote her being together with this new guy. They never liked me anyway. But also, Emily has since been trying to connect with me more. She texts me every night now, plays Xbox with me again, fools around with me, pokes me, flirts with me, walks with me. Every conversation we have reminds us both of the old days, and she's been reaching out to me. Always looking at me when I talk to other friends, smiles and laughs together with me. I'm glad I completed my goal, but jealousy is starting to invade my heart now that she hangs out with this other guy now too. She's been splitting up times at lunch where she talks to me at my table, and then goes to this other guy's table.

I still want her again. Because even though I said all the abuse and negativity, I've come to know and love her as a person. She's been kind to me for these past 4-5 weeks, and giving me mixed signals again. I did leave a couple of good moments out, and a couple of bad. But alot of it feels like I did something wrong. Like the entire reason we broke up was all on me. I was getting moody and a little needy at some parts, too.

But here is what I'd like some advice mainly on. Do you think she's conflicted with picking me or this other guy? Do you think she's letting me off easy, or do you think she's using me to get to him, or vice versa?
I am seeing her in a Halloween party in a few days, dressed up as a guy she actually wanted me to be for a Con a few months back. Thought I'd show her it. I also thought about asking her if I could go Trick or Treating with her in the same costume as the party, and then on Character day dress up as Phantom of the Opera and ask her to the dance on Saturday to go "just as friends" and to have a night of fun. But like I said, I left out some positive things about her, and some negative things about me. But basically, I'd like to know what you think about it all, petopians! Ask me anything I need to explain, and I'll fill you in.

[Lisaara]

Eh....honestly hun? She sounds like cancer to me. She's done nothing good for you. She's been abusive in your relationship and honestly you need to cut her out...pronto. It's more than obvious to me that she's just toying with you and abusing you because you're letting her get away with it. You're wrapped around her finger and shes loving it. She's definitely using and abusing you and you need to just get rid of her from your life.

With friends like that, who needs enemies.

[Mychelle]

Eh....honestly hun? She sounds like cancer to me. She's done nothing good for you. She's been abusive in your relationship and honestly you need to cut her out...pronto. It's more than obvious to me that she's just toying with you and abusing you because you're letting her get away with it. You're wrapped around her finger and shes loving it. She's definitely using and abusing you and you need to just get rid of her from your life.

With friends like that, who needs enemies.

I am just agreeing with Jess completely here, as another opinion. There are other women out there that DESERVE your love and affection. This girl obviously doesn't.

[Kalliope]

You both sound young to me and don't know what you're looking for in a partner yet. And I'll third that your ex sounds like nothing but trouble.

There's a difference between being in love and wanting to be in love. Best of luck!

[Aeladrine]

I know it's hard, but I wouldn't even bother being friends with her. You describe her friends as "bitchy"; what makes you think that, when you're not around, she's not just like them? Our friends describe us from the start, and their attitudes tend to be surprisingly reflective of our own. For example, myself: I tend to hang around mostly girls who are capable of high sarcasm and perversion. Men who can do the same are more than welcome, though they tend to get confused about the way we act when we're all together.

If she surrounds herself with bitchy girls, she, mostly likely, is a bitch. Her actions towards you seem to support this.

And, bud, you're only sixteen. You're the same age as my baby sister. Slow down. I'm nineteen and I'm just getting a handle on how all this works. I'm sitting here, worrying about everything I say to this boy, worry about every interaction after it's done.

Relax, and know this: There are people out there over twice your age going through the same things you are. There are people three times your age still looking for someone to love.

Write some shitty poetry, watch sassy gay friend, play WoW, and live. Because that's all anyone can ever do: love.

[Teigan]

.

[cowmuflage]

Your 16 you have plenty of time to find someone. At your age you have more important things to worry about like school!

[Chimera]

Being 19 (well, almost 20), i can definitely remember my relationships and i honestly wish i had the advice everyone else before me has posted. Shes toxic, its a toxic relationship and from my own experience, they do not end well if they are allowed to continue for too long. I can tell you wish and long for things to be the way they were but i promise you, you will find someone right, who will treat you with respect and truly love you for who you are. You tried your hardest for her and she took it for granted. You are worth so much more and deserve more. A relationship, even just dating in general is an equal thing, it sounds like it became very one sided after a while. Concentrate on school, keep your grades in a good spot, and down the road you will find someone who will treat you properly.

I have been in 4 relationships since i was 16. 4. My first love i was with for a year and a month but he didnt care about anything but school, i kept working at it to make the relationship work and he just never decided when it was time to let me go till he finally realized how desperate i was to get him to even just hang out with me let alone go out on a date. My 2nd relationship was more like a rebound from his best friend, his best friend took advantage of the break up and it was awful. That lasted only about 3 weeks. 3rd relationship seemed more like a friendship with minor benefits but i still welcomed the company and the closeness i had with him, that lasted for a year till we graduated from highschool. My 4th relationship is my current one. I met him a month after graduation and the next day we asked eachother out (practically at the same time we asked), and we have our ups and downs, arguments, sadness, jealousy, a few times we've grown distant but we've been together for 2 years and 3 months now and he has treated me better then anyone that is not by blood my family. He is my best friend, he is my partner, and to live in a world without him would break my heart.

I promise, in time, through experience, you will find the one.

[PorrasouxRex]

Thank you for your advice. And yes, I should be focusing more on school. But it's been very hard to focus on my work when this whole drama keeps dancing in my mind at school. I've been bringing my grades back up. Failing nothing, but they still dropped pretty low. I have asperger's syndrome, only a mild case though. Now this whole thing has become one big focus in my mind, and it has been hard to pull away. Especially now after I finally got to be close friends with her again without all the drama from our friend's in the backround, and the fact every conversation we have it reminds us both of the old days. However, people say memories of your first love are the best, and you should never forget them. But me? It's been only a curse. Because I always walked her around the school, we've been everywhere together. Even when I enter school, it feels like someone took a spear and jabbed me in the heart. Hell, I've been crying at home atleast once a day because no matter what game I try, my mind and heart are elsewhere and I start sucking (Along with kicks and swearing from players, to help the situation even more).

Somehow in my heart I still have this hope that she wants to get together with me again if I just suck my emotions in with a deep breath and act as a close friend overtime. But now this new guy I think she likes appears and ruined my entire plan. Even a friend told me she thinks that my ex doesn't know what she wants right now. This new guy, me, or even wanting a boyfriend again. But her over-dramatic friends keep pressuring her with this guy. To which, I've countered pretty well with my female-friends are acting overly-friendly now that I'm single. Hugging me alot, clinging to me, poking me. But I just shoo them away after while. I feel like a total fool. But my heart just can't let go, even after two months of the break-up and drama. I've never been a person to just give up, and that's what's killing me.

[Kalliope]

Look at what you've said and what's been said. You already knew what the truth was when you made your initial post. You don't like it, which is understandable, but know that time will heal this and you'll be better off focusing elsewhere in order to start the healing process.

People say lots of things. These things are true for them and others, but aren't necessarily true for you. And that is okay. There's no textbook way of doing any of this.

Your head has moved on from her, but your heart is digging in its heels. Your heart doesn't always know what's best for it. Sometimes it does, but not in this case.

Search your feelings, you know it to be true!

[Gumballs]

Definitely sounds toxic. I know it's difficult to walk away when your heart has fallen for someone, but it sounds like with this girl all you're going to get is heartache. I was in an almost six year relationship that I was incredibly unhappy in, but stayed because my heart clung on to how we used to be. Trust me, its a bad choice. Your heart will base its feelings on the short little while it was good, clinging to the hope it will be like that again, where things will continue to go downhill and you get hurt. It took me a good year at least to leave my ex, and the only thing that gave me the courage to leave was when I realized how happy i could be with someone else, once i fell in love with my best friend. It sounds like this girl doesn't deserve you, if you're Gunna be happy I doubt it's with her.

[Azunara]

I can see where you're coming from.

As the same age, while I don't have relationship issues (I cut that part away and said did not want anything to do with it a long time back. My parents claim it's some sort of psychological thing about how adamant I am against it), I can completely understand friends and issues with them.

Essentially, what others have said. You're going to have to just stop. I understand it's hard. Hell, I've had issues giving up on people. I've always considered my loyalty to be my fatal flaw. I just can't let go of people, even if they hurt me, because I don't want to be -that- lonely again. (I had a rough time when I was younger. I didn't have any friends and people didn't want me around. I wasn't just a social outcast, I was THE social outcast.)

But, like I've said, it's for the best if you leave. Make it polite and a quiet thing, don't be dramatic or it will make it worse. Just politely say that you think it best if you guys just...stop talking and interacting, because it's just going downhill. You're sadly getting nowhere.

[Mychelle]

Honestly I just hate women that do this. =/ Toy with one boy, toy with another, just because they "can" and because it gets them the attention they want. Its wrong shes doing it to you *and* the other guy. This girl is ruining it for other girls that actually deserve someone. It makes me sad.

[PorrasouxRex]

I can see where you're coming from.

As the same age, while I don't have relationship issues (I cut that part away and said did not want anything to do with it a long time back. My parents claim it's some sort of psychological thing about how adamant I am against it), I can completely understand friends and issues with them.

Essentially, what others have said. You're going to have to just stop. I understand it's hard. Hell, I've had issues giving up on people. I've always considered my loyalty to be my fatal flaw. I just can't let go of people, even if they hurt me, because I don't want to be -that- lonely again. (I had a rough time when I was younger. I didn't have any friends and people didn't want me around. I wasn't just a social outcast, I was THE social outcast.)

But, like I've said, it's for the best if you leave. Make it polite and a quiet thing, don't be dramatic or it will make it worse. Just politely say that you think it best if you guys just...stop talking and interacting, because it's just going downhill. You're sadly getting nowhere.

I'm exactly like that. Back when I was younger, I was fat, shy, and lonely. I didn't have alot of friends. People poked at my fat, bullied me, and spat at me. Girls looked at me with disgust. Now in Junior year I've evolved to something much more. And for the first time a girl actually didn't look at me like I was trash and accepted my first date to the movies. Now she doesn't have any feelings for me romanticly, and I feel like it was my fault. I don't like losing friends because of my past. I don't want anyone to dislike me and I'll do anything to help them out. But now....I just...it's just a rollar coaster ride and I'm the one in the front.

[Sukurachi]

PorrasouxRex, there are some things that you need to understand.

As a 16 yr old, your body is undergoing some very major physiological changes. Your hormones are readjusting, you're slowly turning into an adult. And this is ALL good.

However, what that means is, you're going to be feeling things in a way you never will again. This is your first love. And it will ALWAYS be the most "powerful" love you will remember feeling. That's because of the physiological changes I mentioned. Hormonal changes in your body are massively heightening the effects of your emotions.

Some day, you'll look back and not really understand WHY you were so madly in love. Meanwhile, you can't understand how you can NOT be so madly in love! That's totally normal, and yes, it sucks BIG time.

I can only tell you that with time, it gets a bit better.

And I agree completely with everyone else who said that this girl is pure poison. She is a manipulator and a user. Don't try to win her back, no matter what your emotions are telling you. She is bad for you.

Remember, it's no use "winning her back". Love is a two-way street, as the old expression goes. In other words, if she doesn't feel the same way you do, it's not worth the effort trying to fight that and "make her love you". It just doesn't work that way.

[PorrasouxRex]

PorrasouxRex, there are some things that you need to understand.

As a 16 yr old, your body is undergoing some very major physiological changes. Your hormones are readjusting, you're slowly turning into an adult. And this is ALL good.

However, what that means is, you're going to be feeling things in a way you never will again. This is your first love. And it will ALWAYS be the most "powerful" love you will remember feeling. That's because of the physiological changes I mentioned. Hormonal changes in your body are massively heightening the effects of your emotions.

Some day, you'll look back and not really understand WHY you were so madly in love. Meanwhile, you can't understand how you can NOT be so madly in love! That's totally normal, and yes, it sucks BIG time.

I can only tell you that with time, it gets a bit better.

And I agree completely with everyone else who said that this girl is pure poison. She is a manipulator and a user. Don't try to win her back, no matter what your emotions are telling you. She is bad for you.

Remember, it's no use "winning her back". Love is a two-way street, as the old expression goes. In other words, if she doesn't feel the same way you do, it's not worth the effort trying to fight that and "make her love you". It just doesn't work that way.

Part of me wants to move on, part of me keeps dragging me back into the past, and causing me more pain. There were moments when we were at lunch together that were the best moments of my life, before things turned out the way they did. I want to just be happy that my plan of becoming close friends worked out. But jealousy and my feelings for her now are in my head. The "two-week plan" of becoming good friends with her was just a distraction. Now that she's being more friendly and flirty, I don't know what to think.

[Sukurachi]

The whole "yo-yo" thing is emotional abuse.
She enjoys having you on a leash. It's a power thing, it has nothing to do with love.
When you are close and demanding love from her, she rejects you.
When you move away, she reels you back in.
It's like a game for her.
She may not KNOW she's doing it, but she's a manipulative little vixen. (I WANT to use harsher words, but I'll be kind)

[PorrasouxRex]

The whole "yo-yo" thing is emotional abuse.
She enjoys having you on a leash. It's a power thing, it has nothing to do with love.
When you are close and demanding love from her, she rejects you.
When you move away, she reels you back in.
It's like a game for her.
She may not KNOW she's doing it, but she's a manipulative little vixen. (I WANT to use harsher words, but I'll be kind)

Sadly, I've already realized this. The fact that this is all a game to her. She's not attracted to me anymore, but she's using my emotions as a toy to look popular and cool to her friends. All I have the heart for right now is to just walk away as my defense. In response she texts or calls me to come play with her on Xbox or pokes me into a conversation. Oh, and TRUST me, my family wants to see her in pieces, simply put.

[Tufak]

This sounds like a girl that I was with once. She basically had the mood that if she couldn't have me, then nobody else could...but she wanted to play around with other men, too.

She would date me for a while, then break it off, but the minute she saw me showing interest in another person, she would find a way to break us up (including seducing the other person if they were interested in women). It was on again and off again for over a year before I finally realized what was happening and got away from her.

I went through a lot of pain and emotional abuse from her.

Please...don't let this girl do that to you anymore.

[Worba]

/agree with all of the other posters

She obviously likes the initial new relationship rush more than settling into something with someone, and that's not going to change until either A) she grows up and gets tired of ping-ponging from boy to boy or B) hooks up with a boy who is abusive and physically prevents her from leaving. Hopefully it will be A, but one thing I do know about that kind of individual, is that once they've involved you in their little game of ping pong, they're not going to respect you - they might come back to you someday (probably to have a break from the last guy), but you won't be equals, and she is just going to treat you badly again (maybe worse).

Unfortunately there is no easy solution to the broken heart you feel - the only cure is to find something non-romantic to focus on, and put yourself into it as much as possible. Something productive, like schoolwork, tae kwon do or etc so that you don't drive yourself crazy feeling guilty (such as spending all day in video arcades like I did), and just don't give her any emotion. Whatever she does, don't let her have that part of you again. And it takes a long time, especially if she's constantly in your vicinity.

But, if you stick to it, stop making excuses to text her over little things and so forth, you will find yourself getting over her. And when you get there - just don't look back, and especially don't let her turn you into the "crying shoulder" to wipe her nose on between relationships with other guys.