Rant Thread

[CrystalKitten]

I'm tired of everyone thinking that I'm "normal"... I mean.. as far as that I don't seem to have the "issues" that I warn anyone I start getting close to (friends or otherwise)... And because they don't believe me.. I feel like... I don't want to burden them. With the fact that I scare myself right now... That I'm so tired of going through this alone. I'll ride it out... I always have in the past.. But I was looking forward to maybe not HAVING to go through this alone... I know there's people online that would listen.. but it's not the same. I was looking forward to people distracting me.. to actually be able to get the hugs I need. But no.. they all think I'm NORMAL. They all want me to be STRONG. Let's see them be fucking strong when their body keeps trembling, can't stop crying, rocking, pacing... Feeling like.. well.. I'll just say thinking things that terrify me in some ways...

I was looking forward to not having to do this alone... for at least ONCE in the last 3 years... but.. once again... I don't have anyone.

[CrystalKitten]

Realized that because I'm a bio student.. i have a scalpel.. And dissecting/surgical scissors... No... I haven't done anything.. No.. I don't think I will... But.. I can't stop thinking about it. I hate when I get this way. I'm so tired of going through this alone. Hopefully I'll have a visit tomorrow.. But... Does anyone know what it's like? I can't stop thinking about it though. Can't stop how I feel. It's... you know what it's like to feel like everything hurts without actually feeling pain? Like everything is just.. WRONG... I don't even know why I'm still feeling this way. I've had a few days off from studying to relax. I got some INCREDIBLE marks (like.. I'm not even.. I don't even know HOW I got so high of marks.. seriously...).

It's like if the stress/anxiety lasts for too long I fall into a depression pit, and it takes a really long time to climb back out. Especially if there's nobody around to give me a hand.

I just want the dark thoughts to go away. It's like.. I can't even think of an analogy. I don't WANT to think them. It scares the SHIT out of me. I try to distract myself.. I try to cheer myself up. I try to make myself believe that none of the things I'm feeling physically are real...

I want to tell someone SO bad... I want the people in my life.. friends and otherwise... to KNOW what I go through... to KNOW that I'm not okay... to KNOW that even though a good chunk of the time.. and the only way they've ever seen me... I seem not just normal.. but like one of the happiest carefree, caring people that they know... That that's not ALWAYS the case. That right now.. even though I don't ever see myself acting on it.. the image of me jamming my scalpel into my trachea keeps playing over and over in my head... That I keep wondering if.. things would look remotely similar to some of the dissections I've done... But no.. it's not acceptable to tell people that you aren't okay. People don't LIKE feeling that someone has to rely on them in certain situations... Like they'd be pressured to try and "be there"... People don't like "needing" to be there for me... Even telling you guys is hard.. but I'm SO FUCKING TIRED of doing this alone.

I'm so TIRED of nobody knowing just HOW BAD it gets. YES. I hurt myself. I don't do it for attention. I specifically stay away from things that would draw attention, like cutting anywhere that would be exposed (actually.. I haven't cut ever... the closest I ever got was scratching myself with a ring, then picking at the plasma scabs til it bled.. I'd keep picking the scabs til it scarred.. still have scars.. and it was ALWAYS high enough on my arm no one ever say). Mostly I take hot showers. Like.. scalding hot. I turn it up little by little. Letting myself adjust each time. I actually got it almost as hot as it would go today. I do other things too. I've found a few pressure points.. Or I'll poke at minor injuries so it hurts. I've started doing a few other things that scare me, though again, they aren't anything permanent, or that will leave a mark. I don't do it for attention. I do it because when I get like this.. everything feels WRONG. Everything feels like it SHOULD hurt... When I get hysterical... I would say near catatonic but.. it's almost more.. violent.. sometimes feeling something PHYSICAL is the only way to break it. It's something more REAL than the pain in my head. It's more CONTROLLABLE because I generally do things that I can make the pain stop in an instant... I don't do it for the attention.. I do it because when I'm alone... when I can't be held.. or squeezed.. sometimes it's the only thing that will bring me out of a severe breakdown

So there it is... I'm NOT normal.
I'm NOT okay.
I'm seriously FUCKED up

... And I feel like I can't tell the few people in my life... There's too few of them... I can't afford to scare any of them away... But I'm so fucking tired of going through this alone... So tired of everyone thinking I'm normal...

Help me.... please...

[Silivren]

Crystal x infinity. Dont give up, dont ever give up. Maybe your not ok now but I promise you will be. Stuff really does get better it does... Idk if you take any medication but it could help. Thats not meant to say you are crazy or anthing, plenty of people need anti-anxiety pills and the like. We are only human and we stress ourself to the extreme sometimes.You have a whole community looking out for you, because thats what people do. Idk what else to say but you have to keep trying and never ever give up.

[CrystalKitten]

Thanks... But that's the problem. It gets better. But eventually it will get like this again. It always does (to varying degrees.. sometimes i just blast music and scream along til my throat hurts.. sometimes I get overcome with suicidal thoughts and wonder what would happen if I didn't have pets that need me...). I'm going to a doctor again, but honestly.. unless they have a situational pill (ie.. I ONLY take it when I can't handle the depression) I refuse to do drugs. Both on principle, and because I'm broke. I can't afford it because the things are REALLY expensive (like.. spending more on them than I would on groceries in a month..). Also.. Many are physically addictive, meaning that if I suddenly can't afford it, I go cold turkey, which is NOT fun. (Yes, I was put on anti-depressants once. It did absolutely nothing. And yes, my mom refused to get the refill and I went off them cold turkey after being on them for several months.. and that was right after the doctor doubled my dose.. I was only 110lbs at the time... so my bias against them is justified to some extent. Withdrawl is NOT fun. Neither is spending $200/month for absolutely nothing).

I know there's people on here that care. There's even a few individual people that I've developed closer friendships with. But it's not the same. They aren't there when I have a breakdown and need to be squeezed (literally). Because of my past, words mean VERY little. I do my best to take what comfort I can in them.. but.. words don't mean much to me.. it's actions that matter. And unfortunately, actions aren't really possible when the only medium available is text. (not saying I don't appreciate the support. It's just.. not the same.. It's not enough if it's just online)

[cowmuflage]

Why are most diehard apple fans so dickish? I mean really comeon >.>

[Miyon]

I don't like volleyball. My hand is slightly swollen, and I may be bruised tomorrow. It's also so slow, and boring, that my brain phases out and all of a sudden I stand there like an idiot wondering where I am.

[Lisaara]

Self esteem...meet toilet. You just went down it.

It's horrible. I usually don't let stuff bother me. But this was sensitive.....did something nice for someone...only to get backlash, and called nasty names like fat, wailord, guts spilling out......it actually brought me to tears cause I did nothing to warrent such a lash of insults. I linked Lugia's song cause it was soothing, thought they'd like it too. Then they and their friend just...jumped me, saying those things, accusing me of flirting when this was the first time I ever spoke to them....

[Miacoda]

I got... One hour of sleep.

[CrystalKitten]

I'm not okay with this. You said you'd come hang out early. This isn't fucking early and you still haven't said you're leaving yet. Any other time this wouldn't be a big deal.. but I'm NOT OKAY right now and people breaking their word is NOT going to help. I'm tempted to tell you to not even bother... Because honestly... I'm REALLY not happy with this. Nor am I okay with it. You've just been blowing me off a LOT these last few weeks, and I've tried to give you what you need DESPITE what I need, and maybe this IS just all horrible timing.. but this is what -I- need right now.. and you're not being accommodating. not even remotely.

[cowmuflage]

Cat puke how is so did not miss you! Least Sylvester had the decentsy to puke in the dineing room where it's easy to clean up not on my drawings. >.>

[Schwert]

I'm not supposed to be around people.
I'm really not.

People just look at me and I feel like they're going to beat me to a half inch of my life - Especially males.
And it's only getting worse.

[Makoes]

Well, this is the year of happenings as I like to call it. As in, this is the year everything I've been putting off is going to happen. Like mass clear out of all the exsessive stuff, and really cutting back on all thecrap we have, cleaning out the storage room and downsizing. Getting a another kitten, getting out more. Stuff that I dont particularly want to do a lot of but should be doing...And now my least favourite of the "happenings" is occuring. Waking up early...I HATE HATE HATE mornings...But my sister just moved back into town (right into the apartment above ours) like a 1min walk and were at her door. And she has a weekday job, not sure what her husbands job schedule is yet, but I work weekends, so we will be doing a kid swap! What that means? it mean I will be watching her 4.5yr old son weekdays starting at...8:20am...and she will be watching our 2yr old daughter from 1:00pm on weekends! I know its good that I should start getting more "normal" hours, but damn I hate mornings...but I know in the long run it will be a good thing...I just wish it wasnt so damn early T.T

[cowmuflage]

So my local video store has started selling sweets from the USA. They have M&M's and I love those we only get the classic,peanut and crispy ones here so I like to go there to rent a movie and get almond ones the thing is every time I get them they try and sell me twinkies >:( I don't want twinkies leave me alone! First world problems

[Miyon]

Ah, twinkies are disgusting.. xD

[Vephriel]

I love Canadian twinkies, they taste much different from US ones. Sadly they seem to be impossible to find here now though.

[cowmuflage]

I have never had one. Most people who buy them from the shop think "Wow a twinkie! I've heard so much about them from the movies/tv I want to try one!" kinda thing.

Theres Canadian ones? thats cool.

[Miyon]

Oh, I've never had one either. I always imagine them as large pink puffballs, but when I actually see pictures of one, I am grossed out.

[Vephriel]

Twinkies are just a white sponge cake with a whipped cream type filling. I've always liked white cakes since I'm not a big fan of chocolate, so I seriously love twinkies. xD The American ones I find have this...weird taste to them that I can't really explain, but it's really noticeable compared to the Canadian ones. The Canadian ones just taste like fluffy angel food cake, no strange aftertaste or texture.

[cowmuflage]

Hmmmm Now I want a Canadian one XD. Theres one American sweet store in town I'm thinking about visting. They might have them :3

[Vephriel]

I don't think there's any difference in packaging or anything, just for some reason the way they're made in Canada is different (well, that's pretty common for a lot of foods actually, just minor differences across the border). They've been impossible to find here now though after Hostess had that bankruptcy thing though. I'll stop derailing this thread about twinkies now.