My departure.

[kamoodle5]

With all the drama and stuff I've had to cause, I think now is the time I just stop coming here to avoid anymore of it. I apologize for everything I have done to unease you folks. I will come on by to check on things maybe once in a while. I truly have appreciated the set of good vibes floating above the forums and even ingame; I was truly excited to join Ryno's guild in hopes of something different.

But my true colors...

I have always been alone and quite frankly, I am very used to it. Even leveling my very first hunter two years ago, I was very much alone throughout most of my leveling and soloing instances when I was at a high enough level. It must almost sound like an illness or something, similar to depression. However, each time that I have been guildless, I've had the urge to ask for an invite from anyone that'll accept me for who I am. I even once made a guild of my own and it went alright.

Also, in real life, I am a very sensitive person. I usually cry at the upmost opportunity I can get if things don't go well for me. When I cry, I can do things I normally wouldn't do; it's almost like I get drunk under my own tears. At that stage, anything can happen, but it all makes me feeling miserable in the end. Like a hangover. As considerate and nice as I may seem, I am quite stubborn, which is another reason. When I become stubborn, I don't give second thoughts about my actions.

After a month of my game card expiring during which I'll have a vacation for 10-12 of those days, I'll definitely come back to WoW, but honestly now, I can't delete my toon, Fionita, in Nesingwary because of all the hard work I have done for her. The pets (even companion pets like the Crimson Whelpling), the leveling, my hard-earned gold, and my good streak of being in instance runs and not getting wiped yet. My other toon, Agnas in Madoran, is almost like her, except with the instance runs part and the different pets. I seem to have liked Nesingwary better than I have with Madoran for a long time, even when my best friends used to play with me in Madoran and are now gone forever.

So, in light of recent event, I think I've come to a conclusion to where due to my loneliness, I am just not deem fit to be part of any social groups, shape or form, no matter where I am, either on the internet, in real life (even in real life I've had no friends) somewhere, or in WoW. I may have the urge to ask to be in a guild, but I need to find some way to cease that urge to avoid any drama that I'll likely cause. I may run into someone in WoW again that will accept me for who I am, no matter the excess crap I do or am.

Thank you all so much for letting me have fun on the forums here for a while, and thanks so much to Ryno for letting me in his guild in Nesingwary. It did prove a lot of excitement for me for the long time I've played WoW, both the place we all are in and private servers. If the last part does sound untrue, say so, and I'll understand. Again, my true colors are what they appear to be. They'll squeal if they want to.

[Rhyela]

I mean this in all seriousness, but you may have social anxiety disorder (S.A.D.). It is a real condition where people either do not like to be in public for unexplainable reasons or feel very uncomfortable. My brother suffers from this to a degree, to the point that he can't be in large crowds without having a panic attack.

S.A.D. can be treated with anti-depressants and/or therapy. If you feel lonely and aren't sure why, or want to be able to go out with people but can't bring yourself to do it, you may want to visit a doctor and get diagnosed.

I say this because I do care, even if I don't know you that well. I never like to see anyone feel like they're outcasts or weird, or admit that they're lonely.

I wish you the best.

[Dewclaw]

I wish you the best as well, and I do urge you to find help for your loneliness. Though I have no idea what drama it is you're referring to.

[Khishay]

You shouldn't beat yourself up so much! Like others, I'm not sure what drama you speak of, but I'm sure it's nothing new. Everyone has their bad days and uncontrolled moments. After a while, you get to see it all in WoW! Besides, all the posters I've seen on Petopia are very kind and forgiving.

Most importantly though, do what's best for you, get help if you need it, and do whatever makes you happy. I'm sure if you do choose to come back and/or stay here you'll be welcomed. Just take some time to think about it.

[kamoodle5]

But I really don't think I am that ill. Being very shy is more like it. I've always been shy towards people at first sight when I was young and still am. However, I wasn't shy at all when I immediately whispered to Shaon for a guild invite after I made Fionita. I really couldn't be happier, honestly, and it wasn't just the kind contributions both Shaon and Teisan gave to me. I honestly appreciated all of that.

I am definitely never the type of person that wants to be alone when families are involved, nor when my dad and I do stuff together. In fact, we are going on that vacation together.

Only reason why it feels this way as you believe is because I've never had friends that stuck around long enough and I've always wanted friends cuz I was lonely. Worst thing when it comes to friends is when they move away and you never get to hear from them again. Nowadays, I am more comfy being alone than traveling amongst my street in hopes of finding someone to play with like I've done when I was little, but that's what really happened.

If I am blabbing too much about my honesty, say so, and I'll stop. I am just telling you the reality of all this. I usually am a good person.

[Teigan]

I don't know what the drama was. I wasn't on when it happened, I guess. I'm sorry you feel like you have to go away. You don't.

[kamoodle5]

For one, what has been going on ingame with me constantly saying I am being ignored when it's just me that's being a beyotch about the whole thing. I guess it's proof I am a bit of an attention addict. At our rp night last week, I was down in the dumps when someone found out the real truth about my immaturity.

And in the crappy groups topic.

[Khishay]

I hate feeling ignored... I think everyone hates feeling ignored. I don't think that's necessarily being needy of attention. I can't really speak on behalf of in-game events, or the crappy groups topic...

About the friends... It's really hard to find lasting friends in WoW. Actually, I think it's difficult regardless of where. In WoW they can vanish and never return. In rl you can just grow distant. All I can suggest is enjoy friends whenever you have them. It's better to just treasure the memories sometimes, I guess. I'm going a little into the realm of uncertainty here...

And I don't think you're blabbing too much... But, I can go on rants if I feel up to it, so I might not be a good judge!

[Sarayana]

Having not been able to play much lately, I've no idea what has happened in-game -- but I can say this: what happened in the crappy groups thread was a misunderstanding amplified by the inability of writing to convey the feelings behind the words. Nothing about what happened should make you have to leave the guild and the forums.

Your insecurities (and I agree 100% with Rhy about that, by the way, having been through an anxiety disorder/depression myself) are much more significant in this whole situation. You need to address it. Trust me, when you're deep in it, you don't think you have a problem. It took me beating up a payphone and having a public break-down (complete with yelling at the hubby and locking myself in a bathroom for half an hour. Not my proudest moment. >.>) for me to realise I needed to see a therapist.

The thing is, once you get through it, once you deal with the issues that are festering deep in your subconscious - and we all have 'em, people that say they don't are just in denial in my humble opinion - you feel like a whole new person. It's a rough trip, but it's so worth it.

I wish you the best.

[kamoodle5]

Like when I got picked on so much in middle school? I was completely stressed out from that but I held on through. Even I mentioned a piece of story about that to a counselor in college five years ago just to get it off my chest, but it still hurts when I think about it. It's moments of despair like these that I wish there was a machine that can delete these horrible memories for us, similar to deleting files in a computer.

[Saturo]

Getting picked on is never nice, and just deleting memories would be a blessing, but currently, it's not possible. If it felt nice to talk out about it to someone, then do that. Psychologists and whatnot usually help a bit, at the very least. In the end tough, it's your decision. Keep something bottled up inside, where it threatens to just burst out which would just do you more harm, or do something about the problem, and feel better about yourself.

Sorry if I sound harsh, or something. I mean well.

[kamoodle5]

No, you don't sound harsh, and you all are right. Maybe I do have a bit of a problem, but if I let my dad know I wanna see a therapist, he's gonna wonder where I got the idea.

Like you said, too:
"If it felt nice to talk out about it to someone, then do that."

Like right now, I've done that here, and it feels good to get stuff out in confessions.

[Dizzy]

I mean this in all seriousness, but you may have social anxiety disorder (S.A.D.). It is a real condition where people either do not like to be in public for unexplainable reasons or feel very uncomfortable. My brother suffers from this to a degree, to the point that he can't be in large crowds without having a panic attack.

S.A.D. can be treated with anti-depressants and/or therapy. If you feel lonely and aren't sure why, or want to be able to go out with people but can't bring yourself to do it, you may want to visit a doctor and get diagnosed.

I say this because I do care, even if I don't know you that well. I never like to see anyone feel like they're outcasts or weird, or admit that they're lonely.

I wish you the best. :hug:

i agree with this. there's always a solution to everything. you hav ecomplete control over yourself and your actions, and whether or not you put yourself out there and get over your 'illnesses'

i know it doesn't seem like it, but it's possible, you just have to WANT to do it and TRY.

regardless, whether you play or not, i hope you find yourself and you become a happier person by doing so, whether it's alone or being able to accept and befriend people, i'm sure i can speak for most of us that we wish you the best and for you to be safe and happy c:

[zedxrgal]

Having not been able to play much lately, I've no idea what has happened in-game -- but I can say this: what happened in the crappy groups thread was a misunderstanding amplified by the inability of writing to convey the feelings behind the words. Nothing about what happened should make you have to leave the guild and the forums.

Your insecurities (and I agree 100% with Rhy about that, by the way, having been through an anxiety disorder/depression myself) are much more significant in this whole situation. You need to address it. Trust me, when you're deep in it, you don't think you have a problem. It took me beating up a payphone and having a public break-down (complete with yelling at the hubby and locking myself in a bathroom for half an hour. Not my proudest moment. >.>) for me to realise I needed to see a therapist.

The thing is, once you get through it, once you deal with the issues that are festering deep in your subconscious - and we all have 'em, people that say they don't are just in denial in my humble opinion - you feel like a whole new person. It's a rough trip, but it's so worth it.

I wish you the best.

Agreed 100%

I had an extremely rough child hood. I don't hide that simply because it's been part of me growing and learning to be healthy. I'm not talking physically healthy I'm talking mentally, emotionally, spiritually etc.

Part of growing up is building relationships. Running from those relationship just because things get rough isn't going to help you grow and learn. It makes me very happy that you're talking and providing this online family (yes that's what I call this) more information on how you work, think and feel. Any good interaction with at least one other person means you're not alone. This is a very scary thought for a person who considers themselves a loner. Also for a person who considers themselves a loner when the affections or friendships are received it's also extremely scary and the first thing they usually do is freak out and cause disruptions.
But even a small step is a good one! Your first step was that you've come back to post after you said goodbye. That's not the signs of a true loner in my book. You're making attempts at being with people. Loners do not do this. So are you really a loner????

Seek help whether it be online, in a therapists office or dare I say even on here. It's clear that no one is upset with you, holding grudges, dislikes you or is ignoring you. Quite the opposite. And there's nothing in the rule books that says you 'have' to tell anyone your in therapy sessions. Including family. Most therapists I know and have known recommend against it unless it directly benefits the healing /growing of the patient.

Continue to talk. Continue to listen. Continue to grow. You're doing excellent so far.

[kamoodle5]

That's because both Teigan and Skarm are showing me the light again, so to speak, in their realm. That's why I am still posting, even though I am still down in the dumps about this whole thing. My recent topic about me getting Olm was something I just had to post cuz I wanted to show off my new pet. Don't we all?

Aside from the fiasco in the crappy groups topic, there hasn't been much I've confessed that I'm ashamed to say. We'll see what happens though. I still don't want to make others feel bad just because I get offended very easily about petty things.

I guess I am not a loner although relationships aren't permanent for me. Two factors that seem to balance each other out.

[Teigan]

[kamoodle5]

That alone means a lot to me. A big hug, since it's all I'll need at this point.

UPDATE:
Okay, I've decided to stick around, but I still think I am gonna be away from a day or two just to cool off some. Still, my game card will expire on Saturday, and I'm gonna bide the time to use another game card until I do that vacation with my dad at the end of the month. I've had plenty of frustration wasting some days on this gametime because of those dang hackers.

...btw, there really was a hacker in my account last month but the guy only made toons in a couple PvP realms. Never touched Agnas nor Fionita. I was lucky, but really weird names the loser made. I found out when I was making a new toon for Elde, and saw what was on the realmlist.

Thanks again for helping me out, Teigan, and I hope there's forgiveness in the air for me with everyone else. I'm really trying to prove I don't have a serious condition when I already have one, but you don't wanna know about that one.

However, I can't say the same for those ingame in Nesingwary. I think I've really been given the cold shoulder this time. Even I've sent a pm to Ryno's druid...no return response. Nothing. I think that explains a lot.

[Saturo]

Maybe Ryno just hasn't been on the druid lately?

[Sarayana]

Yeah, I wouldn't jump to conclusions. In my experience, there's usually a reasonable explanation if you're just patient. Take a deep breath, go play on another server if that's what you need right now, and when you feel up to it, log into your toon and see where it takes you.

And if you really feel that Nesingwary isn't for you, then there's nothing stopping you from finding another realm. Nobody's making ultimatums and nobody's demanding you're on Nesingwary just 'cause you're on the forums. It's completely up to you. Sounds like you're already testing the waters.

[kamoodle5]

Only problem is it's hard to let go of Fionita because I've leveled her, she's got awesome pets, and she's the highest toon I have atm. I don't have the guaranteed safety to transfer her to another realm because it costs money and my dad will end up knowing about it.