OK I! AM! DONE! No more online dating

[Redith]

So alot of you saw my thread about this girl and what she said that bugged me, about me getting the dog she likes. I listened to u guys and talked to her and things were ok. Until THIS conversation online happened




Gamer_Gurl: ok wait i gotta ask your opinion on something my friend and i are talking about
Gamer_Gurl: do you think its cheating, if a girl sleeps with another girl?
navycop137: ok
navycop137: ......uhh yha I say yes
Gamer_Gurl: really? why do you think that
navycop137: because if you f*** someone other then the person your with your cheating
Gamer_Gurl: even if that person is of the same sex?
navycop137: If I f***ed a guy would you feel like I cheated on you
Gamer_Gurl: yes
Gamer_Gurl: but in my mind thats different than if i were to hook up with a girl
Gamer_Gurl: idk why it just is to me.
Gamer_Gurl: i'm trying to see both sides
navycop137: WHAT? haha thats such a double standard
Gamer_Gurl: i know its a double standard, but for me, since im Bisexual i like both. And i only intend to date one at a time obviously, but i like making out with girls. i cant help it! so im trying to see other peoples opinions on it
navycop137: well anyway were not officially dating so you have my permission to sleep with whoever
Gamer_Gurl: Were not
Gamer_Gurl: ?
navycop137: We havent met in person so no not realy lol
Gamer_Gurl: But what about when you do come back?
navycop137: ?
navycop137: Your saying you still want to sleep with girls even when im back?
Gamer_Gurl: Yes I like it
navycop137: How offen we talking here?
Gamer_Gurl: only like 2 times a week


Ok now I KNOW that this is a re flag. I forsee big trouble here

[Saturo]

Break up with her. If she thinks that's ok, she's obviously not a person you want to be in a relationship with.

[Siliverin]

I dont care what anyone says thats a big red flag pretty much she is saying u can only sleep with me, i can sleep with whoever. Thats stright up cheating.. im sorry red but i wouldnt stick around with her.. thats bad news and heartbreak right there and wrong. i mean if you bi, gay les whatever you are i dont care but... you dont tell someone you can only sleep with me and i can sleep with someone of the same sex. like u said double standard and thats wrong.

and i agree with what saturo said

[Palladiamorsdeus]

Yeah, I'd say you are done.

[Mania]

Setting aside any moral judgement, it sounds to me as if you and she have very different ideas of what constitutes a good relationship. That's going to make a good relationship between you extremely difficult.

[Sarayana]

Setting aside any moral judgement, it sounds to me as if you and she have very different ideas of what constitutes a good relationship. That's going to make a good relationship between you extremely difficult.

This is what I was going to say. I have many friends that are in open relationships. For most of them, it's fine and their relationship with their partner isn't harmed (that I know of) because of it. The thing is, both partners have to be on the same page about these things. Have to, have to, have to. Anything else, it's straight up cheating, as Sili said.

Well, Red, at least she was open about it. It would have been much more painful if you two had started a relationship and you then found out about it...

[Mania]

That's always been tricky for me - at what point do you tell potential significant others that your take on dating may not match theirs, especially if it's likely to be a contentious difference? I finally decided the best I could do was make sure all my friends knew my habits so that anyone who was asking about me with interest would hear, and then bring it up explicitly the first time someone made a semi-formal move to approach me in a romantic fashion. Rather ruined my reputation outside my immediate circle of friends, but at least there were fewer hard feelings.

[Vephriel]

If she's looking for a polygamous relationship then she should find someone who shares the same views and not try to force that on a person who wants monogamy. If she never wants her partner to sleep with anyone else yet allow her to do so, then....that's just selfish and inconsiderate.

Seems like she's not the right match for you Red, I agree it would be hard to make that relationship work with such varying opinions on the matter.

[Sarayana]

That's always been tricky for me - at what point do you tell potential significant others that your take on dating may not match theirs, especially if it's likely to be a contentious difference? I finally decided the best I could do was make sure all my friends knew my habits so that anyone who was asking about me with interest would hear, and then bring it up explicitly the first time someone made a semi-formal move to approach me in a romantic fashion. Rather ruined my reputation outside my immediate circle of friends, but at least there were fewer hard feelings.

To be honest, it wasn't something I ever considered as a potential issue in my relationships. I guess I figured that if we were a match in most other ways, that would sort itself out too? But then again, I'm a boring ol' monogamous...er. Person. Monogamer? Eh. I'm pretty normal, is my point (in the sense of a mathematical norm, not a moral or virtuous norm cause I think it's BS to call open relationships deviant. Which is an entirely different discussion, so I'm going to shut up).

But yes, a relationship really needs to be built on understanding and honesty. Many things you can compromise on, but disagreement about something as personal as your sexual relations is pretty much a deal-breaker. It's just impossible (I believe) to be happy in a relationship where you have to compromise on that.

[Siliverin]

i could understand if you both were together and also seeing others but when she says you cant, and i can.. thats where the line should be drawn, thats selfish, cheating if the other person doesnt agree and stright wrong and again double standard im sorry it isnt working out for you red/

again just my opinion, if i was in that situation and she really felt that way, i would have to call it to a end because its just not right.

[zedxrgal]

I 100% echo what others are saying.

She needs to find a mate or mates who are willing to accept that type of behavior.

Be thankful you're finding it out now though and not when you're here.

Hang in there doll.

[Epicfail]

Heh.

I did online dating, but it didn't really work out. In the end, nothing I really did made any difference in my dating life. I lost weight. I dressed more fashionably. I wore cologne. I progressed back and forth till I gave up trying. I just hung out with people that are like me that share common interests. I dated a few of them and stayed honest with my feelings and with what I wanted. Eventually I opened the door and there she was. Now I can truly say I'm married to the woman of my dreams. and a few of my nightmares... heh. She's a handful sometimes, but I can't imagine a life without her now.

Honestly, if you're anything like me, you need to be dating people from a pool of people of like interests and those who live close enough by to physically date... I joined a "fusion" singles group with my church. Lots of beautiful single Christian girls gathered in one place with enough guys to balance the field without it becoming 'the dating game'. If that's not your thing, narrow your interests down to a few you want to share with the woman of your dreams and then, just hang out where they do. If you enjoy the brew, try making friends at a local microbrewery tavern. If you are outdoors-type, join a hiking club and just make friends. The point is to do things that are fun with other people who like to do the same things. Eventually, she'll show up. That, or at least you'll have better luck then the crapshoot online dating is.

You can't choose when it happens, but being happy with yourself and sharing fellowship with others in a group setting can be a great way to find potential new GFs.

[Sarayana]

Words of wisdom, Epic.

[Dewclaw]

I agree with the others. She's definitely not the girl for you.

[Mania]

I started dating my eventual husband via an online service - but not quite the normal way.

Note: Kids, don't try this at home.

He was my more-or-less manager at my first real programming job. He sat next to me. I was quite interested in him but too shy and too aware of the professional complications to say anything outright. (Also, I was sort of married at the time. It was a sham, but nevertheless tended to put people off dating me.)

One day he started talking about his inability to find the right romantic partner and mentioned that he was signing up for a particular online dating service. So that night I made an account there. I rigged the outcome as much as I could - I kept my info mostly accurate and honest but tailored what I was looking for to him as much as I dared.

I did lie about myself in one major way, though, largely because I was terrified of rejection: I used a fake name - one that looks real and which I've been using since I was 16, but which is not my legal name. I set up an e-mail address under that name and everything - which wasn't as easy back then as it is now!

Anyway, a few days later he contacted me via my profile on the service. After chatting a bit through the service we shared e-mails. (I gave him my fake name's e-mail, of course.) Our electronic relationship developed quickly until we were sending long, long, personal letters back and forth every day. Eventually we started talking on ICQ as well.

And then he wanted to meet. And here is where my plan fell apart. Because I'd lied about my name and never let on that I worked next to him every day. And I just bet that he was going to be furious about that - wouldn't you? - and yell at me and break off our burgeoning relationship and possibly fire me.

So I started hinting, gently, that he knew me. He seemed oblivious. I started hinting a lot less gently that he'd known me before we started talking. He shrugged it off. I came right out and told him that I was using a false name - but I didn't tell him who I really was. He said that was a smart thing to do when using an online dating service. I told him I was worried about meeting him in case he was angry about my real identity. He said he was pretty sure he knew who I was.

Hmm ... Well, he thought he was pretty sure, and since I'd been honest about everything else (although sometimes cagey - I'd avoided mentioning the name of the place where we worked, for instance) I figured the chances were very high that he had figured it out correctly. So I agreed to meet him for a real date. But man, I was terrified. I get anxious about new social situations anyway, and this ... Suffice it to say I was pretty sure I was going to pass out before I saw him.

So I meet him and he's carefully keeping a straight face. I can't decide if he's surprised or angry or what. I'm having what amounts to a social anxiety attack but I manage to stutter out, "So ... are you surprised?"

And he smiles and says: "I've known who you are from the beginning. Why do you think I made sure you knew the name of the online dating service I was using?"

...

Yes, he set me up. The devious little bastard set me up. Turns out he was just as worried about approaching me as I was about approaching him, so he tried to set up a situation where we could both take careful steps towards a relationship without exposing ourselves too much in case it didn't work out.

In hindsight, this could have gone wrong for either of us in so many, many terrible ways. My behavior in particular was downright unethical. But we are who we are - and more specifically both of us have rather extreme social difficulties and a very odd way of looking at things - and we were very, very lucky ... and things worked out.

[Zeilla8]

Mania, that is one of the most awesome stories I have heard! It's like a movie!!! I'm so glad that worked out for you guys!

[Vephriel]

I was going to say the same thing Zeilla! Sounds just like some sort of movie. Honestly, I think that's a fantastic story Mania. Really cool that you met in such a unique and memorable way.

[Mania]

You know, I hadn't though of it like that before but you are right - that's the perfect plot for the kind of sappy, unrealistic romantic comedy that I refuse to watch. *shudder*

[Palladiamorsdeus]

And that was your life. *LAUGHS* Not just on the big screen! You lived it. Still gonna shudder about it?

[Vephriel]

You know, I hadn't though of it like that before but you are right - that's the perfect plot for the kind of sappy, unrealistic romantic comedy that I refuse to watch. *shudder*

Haha, I hear you there...but real life is much better than sappy romantic comedies. x)