Would you ever give your significant other a "hall pass?"

[pengupuff]

As defined by Urban Dictionary:
Hall Pass: "Permission given by your lover to fool around with another person outside your relationship."

The hubby and I got married young. We've been married for over 2 years and I am just now turning 20, if that tells you anything. There aren't any kids (thank god), but he is already feeling pretty smothered and settled. He has confided in me before saying that he wishes he had met me later on in life so that he could have had more "experiences" before getting married. I was his first serious girlfriend, so I guess he missed out on a lot of trial-and-error with other chicks. When his friends boast about all the bitches they've bedded, my husband doesn't have anything to say.

So, in order to make him feel better, I'm willing to offer a him a hall pass. I've never been the jealous type, and at the end of the day I really just want him to be happy. I'm getting a little desperate here, but before I talk to him about it I'd like to get some input from unbiased third parties (and who knows, maybe some of you have actual experience with this). Should I go through with it?

Quick note: If I gave him a hall pass it would only be for a few weeks tops. So it would just be a few weeks away from me, partying with his friends, and if he hooks up with another girl within that time period, okay. I just don't want to hear about it afterward.

[Saturo]

Sounds like an excellent idea to me, just make sure he gets tested for STDs afterwards. ^^ Actually, me and BF have been doing something similar since we met, with a "You're not the only one for me" kind of thing. It's hard to explain, it basically means we're allowed to ogle other people. xD Either way, it sounds like something that could really help you two along.

[SgtMakkie]

Think long and hard.... x1000 before you ever say yes. It's kind of like the saying, What has been seen can not be unseen. It will always be there as part of the relationship and could cause big problems later on. You married, if I read the above correctly for a reason. It'd be a real shame for that to be ruined because of something like this.

The lines drawn in front of us are there for a reason, once you cross them, their boundaries will become less and less over time. There are plenty of ways to spice up or give space to a partner in a relationship (whatever the situation requires). But the most important is open and thorough communication between you both. This might make a few people laugh, but go watch Indecent Proposal, watch it from Woody Harrelson's view point.

Simple question, can you really deal with this for the rest of your lives together?

[SgtMakkie]

Not to dig Sat, but Ogle in my book doesn't mean sleep with ?!?

[Saturo]

I don't actually know what it means, I just guessed it means something like look at or enjoy the company of. We did kind of half-break up when we were separated for a year, but other than that, no, no sex with others (that I know of). Either way, I wouldn't be bothered by it, so long as he finds time for me I'm happy. I'm weird like that.

[Teigan]

.

[Moore]

I don't think I could do something like that I'd never be able to trust the person again. But I'm kind of like that, I amputate relationships like their cancer the second I even get a hint of lost trust.

Also I'm sort of sitting here like wtf at the whole "bitches they've bedded thing" because it throws up an entire other red flag in the area of respect. I just don't feel the need to share details of my relationships, and I don't think I'd call my partners "bitches".

I feel like if someone really loved me or cared about me in any sense of the word they wouldn't say something like they wish they'd fucked more people before they met me.

And I've known people who have gone through with scenarios like this, and it's usually because one partner wants to stay in the relationship while the other doesn't therefore partner A concedes anything to keep partner B. Partner B from what I've observed only really keeps the relationship because it's a safety net and they know A will always be there.

^ Not saying the above is you, but it's something I'd noticed with someone I know.

[Silivren]

I couldnt do it. No offense to you or anyone else who could but I am the jealous type and I want my boyfriend to only be intimate/involved with me and me only. I'd take Makkie's advice - you need to think long and hard about it.. Besides if hes happily married and in love with you why does "His friends bedding bitches" matter? Im also the type of person who would be deeply bothered if I was told what you were told because as long as he has you why does it matter I guess. Life isnt about parties, alcohol, sleeping with as many people as possible and generally being stupid imo.

[nirvana]

Love is love. If it's the true kind, then there's nothing that can break it up - meaning that it would not matter if you either allowed him to pursue some other "experiences", or not. But it's still something not to consider lightly - as others have said, once you give him that option, you can only imagine what occurs, and that may or may not eat away at you. More importantly, however, I don't honestly believe it will make him more happy in the long run. Even with "permission", dallying outside of one's primary relationship is still cheating in our society, and in many's hearts. And that could eat away at him.

Honestly, my suggestion would be to try more, uh, adventurous things between each other. Living out their fantasies with their significant other is far more satisfying to most guys than seeking excitement outside of it. If you're up for it...maybe you could, heh, try adding another person for some fun. But that should be something you both do, together. Because that's really the point of marriage/long-term relationships.

For the record, I would only be hurt if my fiancee slept with another woman and tried to hide it from me. If he told me, and showed no intentions of leaving me, I might be confused, but I'd understand that I'm still ultimately the one he wants. And yes, I'd also consider an uh...threesome. You never know, it could bring you guys closer.

[Redith]

Nope

[Cerele]

ehh.... im gonna be that one guy


i really wouldnt ever have an open relationship, it kinda defies the purpose you show your love and lay claims on another person....

what ever floats your boat i guess. i just am a jealous type it wouldnt feel right doing anything with them after... cause they might think other person is better, or the other person (if a close friend) would talk about it or pursue it again.

that just doesnt seem right to me, i wont judge what happens behind a closed door stays there.. just my two cents on it

[Moonlost]

I'm probably not the most qualified person to talk about this. I've not been in a romantic relationship of any sort, but I suppose I can give you a far-outsider's point of view.

First of all, I agree with the majority here. You need to think long and hard about this yourself, look at your own morals and feelings about the issue, and at all the unfortunate implications this could bring in. Then talk to him about it, have him see what he thinks and what he really wants.

Right, with that out of the way. I guess I can't really give you thoughts on what I would do. Again, lack of experience about being in love, but I do think that I would not mind too much. Never been the jealous type, and I guess I have a different perception on what sex means.
But this doesn't really seem to me that it's really about him wanting to play around with other women and get some new experiences under his belt. He wants to be able to brag right along with his mates. Perhaps what you need to do is find some way as to making him feel comfortable boasting about the fact that he's married to an awesome woman.

I agree with nirvana, I think the answer could be to try and find something to spice up your love-life. If you need advice, head to the Female Reproductive Health thread and seek it there. I'm sure some of the wonderful, experienced women could help you out in that regard, or point you to some websites that could help instead. Communicate with him, see what he would find fun and what he would be comfortable doing.

[GormanGhaste]

If you are going to have an open relationship, it should be something that both of you are comfortable with and there should be full honesty.

If he hooks up with another girl within that time period, okay. I just don't want to hear about it afterward.

Not even wanting to know whether or not he has other sex partners seem to indicate you are uncomfortable with the whole idea to me, so based on that, I wouldn't recommend it for you. Maybe a divorce? You are both still so young; there's no shame in deciding you don't want to spend the rest of your lives together.

But to answer your question, I've been in an happy, open relationship for over twenty years.

[zedxrgal]

I know several couples who are in open marriages and one thing that echoes 100% with them is there is NO MIDDLE GROUND. Meaning it's all or nothing, permanently 100% open or it's 100% closed and monogamous. I have seen two friends of mine who tried this. They'd been married 5 years and just like you she said the whole "I'm not a jealous person etc etc etc". Both, like you married young and both are now divorced. He wouldn't stick to just one encounter like what was agreed to but the one approved time ate away at her. As much as she tried to hide it for the longest time she had deep seeding regret and animosity for him. When everything came to a head is when she'd found out he didn't stick to the one promised encounter.

I can very easily see something along these lines happening with you. You're being so unsure is an immediate sign. People who are sure and truly trust do not come to a public forum seeking opinions /advice. And as stated what bedding your friends do is none of your husbands business and I'm curious to know if he's telling the truth on that. Seems odd and out of place even for a 20 year old man to just blab to all the guys about some girl they just bedded.

I agree 100% with what others have suggested and either A) find a way to spice up your marriage or B) divorce. Because heading down this path, if followed through will .................... I'm 90% sure will lead to B.

Good luck.

[Felidire]

I'm probably even less "experienced" than Moon, but i'll throw in my 2c. x3

I agree with Zedxr, personally, it's not something that I would consider doing in a relationship. The fact that you're asking on here shows some degree of uncertainty, so i'd say keep mulling it over until you're 100% positive that it's something you want to do. The only person who should know if it's a good or bad idea, is yourself. If it were me, i'd be genuinely concerned about the relationship long before ever considering something like this. (You sure he's not just trying to make you jealous? A lot of us are known to do that.)

On a side note, who cares about how many "experiences" we have? Isn't the whole point of "trial and error" to make mistakes, date the wrong people, learn from it all so that you're more appreciative and better prepared for a serious relationship when you finally do meet the right person? So he bypassed the majority of that process? Doesn't change the fact that he should be more appreciative of you and what he has now - instead of focusing on what he doesn't have, and "being sad that he never had the opportunity to hook up with half a dozen women."

Not everyone thinks the same, but building relationships and hooking up with the wrong people is - to me - a complete waste of my time. The only reason a lot of us gained those "experiences" is because we weren't lucky enough to find the perfect person straight off the bat, had we been able to do that from the start, then the majority of people in the world would probably have little-to-no more "experience" than he did. (If I ever do find someone, the less baggage I have to lug with me into that relationship, the better.)

I don't think this is going to solve anything. Only cause problems.

Seems odd and out of place even for a 20 year old man to just blab to all the guys about some girl they just bedded.[color]

Nah it's entirely normal for teens and guys around this age (and quite possibly older) to brag to their friends about the girls that they've shagged. In my eyes it displays a complete lack of maturity, but it's very common. If it's that big of a deal, then I guess they're just boring people and have nothing better to talk about?

[Tsiya]

I don't think you're getting the whole truth here somehow. If he's been hanging with friends that brag like that, it's not a new thing. Why is it just coming up now? Hubby has given me a hall pass, but I've never used it. Our situation isn't like yours though, he is disabled, and I have to tell him about it first. I don't see ever using it, but just having been given one is a huge sign of trust. Don't do it unless you can accept ALL the consequences of said pass.

[Bonita]

Definitely think long and hard about it. Personally theres no way I could do that. It would make me paranoid my bf would have had a better exp with someone else and wish they weren't with me anymore. You may think it will be fine at first and then it could start to nag at you and bother you and end up ruining your marriage. My aunt and uncle tried this and it backfired big time.
And I don't see why he should be bummed about not being with as many girls as his friends because from my pov he found the perfect person the first time and didnt need to keep searching and he should be happy but thats just me.

[Sookie]

Honestly it sounds like you haven't had him sit down and tell you the cold hard honest truth. Any good relationship has to sit on a rock solid foundation of good communication. Tell him this matters to you and get him to settle down and speak open and honestly with you. You can tell him you won't judge him for whatever he says, that you just want to understand where he's coming from. Then ask him what the issue really is.

Is it really just feeling uncomfortable around his friends? Is he worried he has made a premature choice of being with you because he didn't meet enough other women to know how to make that educated choice? Is he unsatisifed with some part of your relationship in particular?

If you know exactly what the problem is (and maybe you do, it just seems unclear from your post alone) then it will be much, much clearer what you need to do and odds are a 'hall pass' isn't the solution.

I would only consider that if you feel 100% trust both ways, and he only wants that hall pass to put some 'experiences' under his belt. Even in that situation though, it's not the best solution. If he just wants to feel experienced, he needs to man up and grow some confidence, because lack of notches on his belt shouldn't affect his overall self esteem. And if it's an issue of being able to say something to his friends, he either needs to grow some balls and brag about you instead of the volume of women he's been with, or learn to live with it.

At the end of the day your relationship should mean more to him than these other factors, and if it seems he is not treating you right or valuing your love enough, you need to leave him and find someone else who will treat you how you deserve. Don't put yourself through a scenario like this 'hall pass' if you are going to be upset and trying to block it out of your mind the whole time. If you already know that's how you will feel, it is the wrong choice.

[cowmuflage]

what ever floats your boat.

[Worba]

Most times when someone fools around, it creates entanglements that don't just go away / stay somewhere outside the relationship / etc - some portion of the connection you had with your mate now belongs to someone else. They start getting cell phone calls and looking furtive, or anxiously checking for new emails from... someone. They start getting distracted - because now other people are starting to take up rent in their head. And it adds up.

A relationship should be a source of comfort, a refuge - granted even the best relationships have arguments and tension sometimes, but this is something else entirely, and as others have noted once you cross that line, there is no going back.

That said, if your BF's husband's (...) mind is made up (or if he's just stuck on the idea), none of this may matter. He may be at a stage in his life where the present is more important than the future, and either he does it out in the open with your consent, or behind your back.

I think Moore nailed it pretty much - think very carefully about whether this person is right for you, or if it's just easier to put up with a gradually increasing pain level than to deal with the sudden "bandaid rip" of separation. As you said, at least there are no children in the picture to complicate matters - being married, you should think about whether you might someday want some, and if so, how would the "hall pass" thing fit into that?

Good luck pengu, I hope it works out.