Advice needed for a soon(ish) to be single gamer guy...

[Ceravan]

This may be one of the worst places to post this, but really, the Petopian community is one of the groups of people out there that I really value their opinions, and being a gaming community at that, it's doubly true as far as this goes, so here goes.

I'm currently in a relationship that is on the outs, and the only reason I'm really still in it is for our daughter. We've been together for over 10ish years, and as it stands, I'm the primary caretaker for both her and our daughter, so currently unemployed and relying on their SSI to support me. As far as this goes, I have a few problems I foresee in my future. More than likely, I won't be sticking around longer than a couple of years, and there is a strong chance that Kara (our daughter) will be coming with me. 10 years is a long time, and I was married for 3 years before that, so roughly 16ish years I've been only in 2 relationships. And both weren't really gamer friendly, let alone me friendly, always me give and they take.

So here's the dilemma I'm having and really need advice on, as it's a daunting task from my perspective. When all said above happens, and I finally feel confident enough to go for another relationship, what do I do? By that time, I'll be a 36 year old gamer, my daughter will be 5, and I'm not the most attractive banana in the bunch. I'm not comfortable in bars or clubs, and as it is, you can put the entire amount of alcohol I've had in my entire life in a shot glass. So how does a guy like me, find a nice gamer girl (who likes gaming, comics, reading, swimming, and movies) who's probably doing the same thing I am, wondering how to go about finding a gamer guy?

So forgive me for asking and please no flaming, this is pretty much the only place I've got to ask any kind of questions like this, and as I said before, I value the opinions of my fellow Petopians. It's a great group of people that I've been proud to be a part of.

Josh aka Nügget

[Finduilas]

Hey Nügget.
I can only give you advice from my point of view as girl gamer, but I hope you might at least find it interesting if not helpful.
I'm going to marry in August. My future husband and I met in Wow. We were in the same guild. I had left my old guild after it started falling apart and a friend of mine invited me in his guild. It was a nice, casual non raiding guild and we mostly had fun in teamspeak, guildchat and during guildevents like long distance water walking in stranglethorn. My main toon was my then level 60something orc hunter, wrath of the lichking had just been released. I asked for help in guildchat with a few group quests in Outland. A druid at already level 80 came to help me. He was very nice and after this day we wrote more and more, he called my "honey" and I called him "darling" in guildchat, just for the fun of it. At this time I still was in a not-so-happy relationship, and I found myself longing for talks with the druid instead of my boyfriend. We spent months just writing and chatting, bringing my hunter up to 70 exploring the pretty sceneries in Nagrand or Netherstorm. After about 5 months we met in person and instant connected. I left my boyfriend and my druid moved to me across half of the country. Now it's over 3 years of happy relationship and we still like to play wow and other games together.
To finally get to the point: I think the best way to find a nice and understanding girlfriend is in Wow. This way she will most likely understand about the affection for a particular game. A nice chat and teamspeak talk might reveal a lot about a person before even meeting her in RL. This way you can get to know her and she you without knowing how the other person looks. I only had one photo of my darling before I met him, and my first thought was "ugh he's ugly", but he lost a few pounds and when seeing him in person he was really nice. By this time I had already known so much about his awesome, caring and loving personality, that even a few pounds too much wouldn't have mattered to me.
It's just my personal experience, but I met so many wonderful men in wow, most of them single, most also good looking, I don't really know why they don't have a girlfriend. And don't worry about distance. I believe that all can be sorted out, if it's really love. And having a daughter? I think there are many women and girls out there who wouldn't mind a cute 5 year old as addition to a super awesome man.

[Korii]

Hey Nug....while I don't have much in the way of advice for ya, other than "just go with it, let things happen, and don't try to force something that isn't there", remember, I'm in a similar situation as you (was with my ex for 11 years, married for 7 before we split...) and if you need anything, you know how to get a hold of me.

Also: don't let fears of the single parent thing sway you, either.....it's 2012. Single parenting is more common now, and isn't seen as the hindrance to a good relationship that it once was.

[sallysquish]

Hi Nugg!

I know how daunting it can be to contemplate dating after a long term relationship. However I don't think you have anything to worry about. You will meet hordes !HORDES! of lovely single mothers as you raise Kara. Through Kara you will make many friends of all kinds - its one of the rarely talked about side benefits of being a parent. I wouldnt worry too much about finding a lass that will be gamer friendly. Everyone needs a hobby and gaming is much more acceptable than it used to be. Plus - as your situation changes you will naturally be spending less time gaming than you are now - and you will be happy about that because you will be so busy enjoying the sweet things in life.

FWIW when I met Welln he had sworn off video games forever and it took him over a year of watching me play WoW before it appealed to him. Now he has a pic of his first 85 on his monitor desktop and a page is always open to Mr.Robot.

Just be yourself Nugg and don't be afraid to chat it up with the nice mommies and daddies. The bonds you make with those families will lead to both love and work opportunities.

[GormanGhaste]

In roughly 16ish years I've been only in 2 relationships. And both weren't really gamer friendly, let alone me friendly, always me give and they take.

You might not like this advice, but I don't really recommend looking for a new love interest right away. You've stated that you've spent most of your adult life in unhealthy relationships. Maybe it would be better to concentrate on your daughter and what you want from life for a while.

[zedxrgal]

Ah. Nug. Hun. I know you and I have chatted and I am totally here for you. But like what is already mentioned ...................... stay single. Learn to be happy, love yourself and your small one THEN work towards loving a mate. No need to try and find someone within a year of being single period. That's not healthy for anyone mentally and emotionally.
I am 35 years old, single BY CHOICE, never married, no kids. Single by choice is exactly how that sounds. I am still trying to be happy with me and love me let alone to even have the concerns of trying to make a partner happy and loved. You have to have it for yourself to give it to someone else. That is with every human being on this planet. You feel shitty about yourself and I guarantee you, you're going to treat a partner shitty at one point in time especially after the puppy love stages have worn off. And .............. (this next part is ummmm you'll see) ....... True love begins when the erection ends. Do not allow looks to be a driving force.

But. Learn to love and be happy with you THEN worry about finding a mate.

More on topic. WoW yes is a great place to look. But also don't hesitate to trying dating websites if you feel up to it. You can put that you want a gamer gal on there.

[Kalliope]

Don't settle for someone just because she's available either. I definitely agree, don't go looking again right away, especially since you'll have your daughter's needs and wants to consider. After all, no matter how young she is, she'll have an opinion too.

There are plenty of single parents out there, so you're not alone. ^_^

[Bulletdance]

I wish I could give advice on this. I'm 29 single and don't really date much and also wonder where I'm going to find a guy who likes games, comics, and art museums,but I'm really shy don't drink or get out much. I'd say try online dating,but my sister did that and ended up with a looooser twice. If anything else don't feel embarassed cuz your not alone. Which is really why I'm posting this. It's not uncommon to be in the sort of spot your in. It's hard these days to connect I think and find the right kind of ppl worth dating.

[Anyia]

Just throwing my $.02 into the mix; Go and enjoy the things you do. The whole club/bar thing is likely to only work if that's something you actually like doing, because the people there are mostly people who like doing it. The best place to find someone who shares your interests is precisely at that space, be it in-game, out swimming, hunting, painting, or whatever. As an example, I met my partner since 10+ years at a D&D game. That was less than a year after I'd decided I'd had enough of relationships and was going to be happy on my own I might add.

Good luck with everything - and if things seem gloomy, remember the Petopians are cheering for you!

[Ceravan]

thanks for the advice all, just the relationship i'm in pretty much has me wondering if i'm worth it and feeling alone, and both relationships have pretty much knocked most of the confidence i've had in myself down quite a few notches, just tired of feeling used and always having that feeling of being alone, for once I'd like someone to take care of me and enjoy the things I do, instead of me doin all the caring and work. as it is, it's still a ways off, gotta be able to get myself on my feet, and for me to do that, Kara has to start going to school so I can get reemployed.

[Wain]

Everyone has already offered you good advice, but I'd just add that to many women the fact you (would be) a single dad and primary carer is actually a huge plus. It shows right away you're responsible and have a caring side. And to those who it isn't... well since you are a single father anyway, they're obviously not the right match. I really wouldn't sweat the single dad thing.

[Tsiya]

We love you Nuggy! Just be yourself and everything else will sort itself out.

[Worba]

thanks for the advice all, just the relationship i'm in pretty much has me wondering if i'm worth it and feeling alone, and both relationships have pretty much knocked most of the confidence i've had in myself down quite a few notches, just tired of feeling used and always having that feeling of being alone, for once I'd like someone to take care of me and enjoy the things I do, instead of me doin all the caring and work. as it is, it's still a ways off, gotta be able to get myself on my feet, and for me to do that, Kara has to start going to school so I can get reemployed.

As long as you're a decent, caring human being, which it sounds like you are, then you are definitely worth it; the main challenge you're going to face is confronting and healing the damage these relationships have done to your self-esteem... which is obviously complicated by the fact that you are still in one.

Start doing things for yourself, and let your significant other start picking up her own slack. Not sure if your S.O. is employed but either way, when she's around she can do her share, and if she doesn't do it, then (unless it's something Kara needs obviously) leave it pile up. Don't be a dick about it - be wide open to talking about it if she wants to do so, but let her initiate the conversation - don't let yourself "fill in the gaps" for her.

Hopefully, you both can turn things around, but if not, just focus on doing what you need to do and not relying on your S.O., so that if worse comes to worse you will be as ready as possible when the time comes to split up.

And this sounds stupidly obvious I know, but be ready for pain, because your heart (if you're anything like me) is going to be pushing you to make amends no matter how many self-compromises it involves. Just remember you have Kara to think about.

And like Wain said don't worry about women being put off by your "dad status"; by the time you're in your thirties, having kids is the norm, and most singles at that age and up, have kids from previous marriages / relationships - more likely the women you'll meet will have kids of their own.

Also, speaking as a gamer who is married to a NON-gamer girl, I have to say there are (or can be) benefits to being with someone from "the other side", specifically my wife (along with my kids ofc) grounds me and gives me something else to focus on besides games. While a part of me would like to spend more time gaming, I suspect if I was with a gamer girl, it could be "too much of a good thing", so to speak. E.g. things like chores, getting out of the house, etc could go by the wayside. But that's just me - I know plenty of gamer couples have perfectly happy and healthy relationships. My point is, if you do end up leaving your current mate, you may want to at least be open to the idea of being with a non-gamer girl, as long as she seems stable and open-minded.

Good luck.