I am tired. This is my story.

[Teigan]

I am tired. I am tired of never knowing where I stand in a community that used to mean the world to me. I know the people I wish would read this probably never will, now that the Petopians guilds have a private, separate forum. The people who do read it will probably have no idea what I'm talking about. But, it is what it is.

About a year ago, I was guild leader of Petopian Alliance and an officer in Petopians, the two main Petopian guilds. There were people in Petopians I considered real friends, as well as a number of good acquaintances. Overall, it was somewhere I belonged and was welcome. Sad as it is, I've never had that before, irl or in game. The forums were an extension of that, where it seemed like people, including me, really mattered.

But here, and especially there in that guild, I felt like I belonged, like I mattered. It was a good feeling.

Anyway, we had just undergone a change in leadership due to the old guild leader of both guilds stepping down. Korii created a private officer forum to handle the change in leadership. This is where all the action took place, for the most part.
The officers voted amongst themselves to elect officers to take over the guilds. Korii won Petopians. I won Petopian Alliance. At the time Korii and I were really close, very good friends. He was the kind of friend you don't get many of in a life-time and I still mourn that friendship. I was thrilled for him, and excited to try to develop Petopian Alliance, which was, and now still is, a rather stagnant guild.

There was a woman in Petopian Alliance and Petopians who was the only non-officer allowed to run in the election. She lost, but I made her an officer in my guild because she meant alot to Korii. Yes, that is the wrong reason to make someone an officer and I wish now I had thought with my head not my heart, as it lead to problems down the road.

We officers decided that PA needed a name change, as part of its "grow and prosper and be more connected to the forums that spawned it" campaign. I paid for this out of my own pocket, as guild leader.

Things went well for a few months. Even though I was working nights and couldn't be on as much as I would have liked we did manage to grow and spiff up the guild some. My girlfriend Jade played a large part in this, even though I hadn't made her an officer.

Then the day came that Korii told me was quitting WoW. At that point, he was my second in command (the one who would take my place if I left, or was not available). My only two officers really didn't seem suited. One didn't want the job of officer, let alone second in command, but I wanted him for officer since he was on alot and I trusted him. The other was the aforementioned woman who only an officer because she was important to Korii. I didn't trust her and saw no potential for leadership in her. Since second in command comes with the potential of taking of taking over the guild, it was clear I couldn't choose her.

With Korii quitting WoW, (which clearly he didn't......so all this was for naught) I had no second in command. With the hours I worked, it was important that I had a second. So, I, as guild leader, made a decision. Jade was active alliance side at the time, had leadership experience, is very knowledgable about the game, had been helping recruit to grow the guild....all around a good candidate. So I promoted her to officer without putting it to a vote and made her my second in command. The only drawback was that she was my girlfriend and that it might be seen as nepotism, especially without a vote.
However, I felt under the circumstances my fellow officers would understand. Heck, three of them were people I considered actual friends. I didn't have time to explain, because we were on overtime at work and I was either sleeping or working and left it on faith in my friends and colleagues.

I was wrong. Very. Very. Very wrong. The officer forums turned into a bloodbath, with me at the center. Even when I demoted Jade and set it to a vote, as I should have in the first place, the attack continued, particularly from the woman I'd promoted to officer in PA.

I was, btw, working five 10 hour shifts at the time, starting in the afternoon and ending in the wee hours of the morning. I've also had major depression, anxiety, and PTSD for some time and they were untreated at the time. I'd been gradually falling down a spiral before the huge fight broke out. As you can see, a perfect storm was forming.

Things went, simply put, downhill from there. On my end, the depression worsened to the point I had to quit my job. I haven't worked since. This isn't because of the Petopians fiasco, but it did contribute its share to the storm.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I left PA in the hands of one of the members who was an officer horde-side and seemed like a decent guy. And then I left Petopian Alliance, feeling like the world was coming down around me.

I left Petopians. I was sobbing as I typed /gquit, but I did. Why did I leave? The mind of someone who is severely depressed isn't working right. That's why they call it mental illess. I was convinced, to my core, that everyone would be better off if I did. The irony is that, aside from the officers, no one really knew what had been going on behind the scenes. But I was still convinced I HAD to leave because I was "bad"

And then, the aftermath of actually leaving.....I was raging with grief. I had just fucked up and then abandoned the only community that had ever wanted me. So I acted like a jackass to some people, trying to pretend it didn't hurt so much and that I didn't care. After all, no one cared that I left, so they had never cared at all....at least that's what my depression saturated brain told me. I know now that's not what the reality of it was.

I joined Salvation, in case anyone wondered about that, because another former Petopian offered and it was a place to be. I was completely heartbroken and alone and it was like grasping at anything that floated after a shipwreck to keep from drowning.

I left Salvation and joined Goddess of the Horde because of the promotion of bad blood between Salvation and Petopians. I did not need or want that kind of negativity. Goddess of the Horde has been my refuge ever since.

I do know that it may have been right, what the constant "brain-track" of "you're worthless, horrible, they're better off without you" says. I was told, via PM on the forums, what a terrible person I was, by one of the "community resources" none the less. I've recieved whispers, or been told of whispers saying extremely hurtful things about me. I'm not saying I don't deserve it. I probably do. But its been a year. Forgive me, please.

I begged Korii for forgiveness for months without success. We talk now, sometimes, about cats or his new job. Simple things. But the essence of that friendship is yet another casualty of this. But I digress. I begged him to let me "come home" aka re-join Petopians. As a less than regular member, with restricted privileges. Anything. I just wanted to go home. I suppose he must be some indication, being he's the guild leader, of where I stand, with that community. He's told me he doesn't think anyone hates me, but I'm not sure he would know.

The Petopians I used to know would have been concerned, not hateful. The Petopians I used to know would have been forgiving, not held a grudge. The Petopians I used to know was like a big, misfit family. The Petopians I used to know may not exist anymore.

With a very few exceptions, no one from my old Petopian guilds talks to me. I don't blame them, I guess. But I miss them. I miss being a Petopian, even now.

So I don't know, still, where I stand in the wreckage I created of what used to be "home" to me.

I am still sorry for how I acted. I am still sorry for any pain I caused. I will always be sorry.

But I am tired. I don't know who dislikes me, who doesn't. I do feel a general feeling of unwelcome-ness here. Its exhausting. It seems the only time I'm welcome is when I write new pet emotes for you guys, which is a project that started as a labor of love for formerly fellow Petopians....

So, this is my story. I've kept as many names out as I could.

[Mozag]

Seeing as I have never been part of the Petopians guild, and had no idea what this whole drama that was constantly hinted at in certain topics was, I can't say my opinion of you has changed for better or worse. I see you post: I remember your fun signature with the dancing orc, your awesome transmogs for your goblin, and your cute crab Rune. I remember that you used to post a lot more and that your posts were cheerier than they have been for a long time. I remember your love story with Jade, and how happy everyone was for you.

Because I am not a Petopian, nor a terribly active member of this forum (in terms or writing stuff), it doesn't really matter what I say, but I do hope that you find your place again, wherever that is.

Unfortunately, drama happens in all relationships now and then. But remember that in true friendships those are forgiven and forgotten.

[Niabi]

After reading this, I just want to give you a consoling

I'm so sorry that all of this happened. Although I am a member of both guilds, I was not present, nor aware of the incidents you mentioned. I consider myself sort of a distant cousin when it comes to guild relations since I only occasionally visit from time to time and pretty much stay out of the loop on most of the chitter-chatter. It takes a big person to acknowledge what you've said though and I can appreciate the fact that you are an individual that wants to make things right again.

I can't speak for everybody of course but I will always welcome you as a fellow Petopian whether it be here on the forums or in-game on Nesingwary.

[cowmuflage]

I have nothing to do with the Petopian guild or any of that drama but I do have my own reasons to not fully like you. Certain events about art.

I have done my best to forgive you (and trust me I really have) but it's really hard to forgive someone who's not nice back.

[Teigan]

I have nothing to do with the Petopian guild or any of that drama but I do have my own reasons to not fully like you. Certain events about art.

I have done my best to forgive you (and trust me I really have) but it's really hard to forgive someone who's not nice back.

I honestly have no idea what you are talking about. If you want to discuss it, send me a PM

[Lisaara]

Well Teigan, I was vaguely aware what was going on in the guild cause some people ranted to me via RiD(I don't remember them off the top of my head but even so, I'd rather keep them anonymous anyways). No names were ever mentioned, just constant drama. That's all I knew. I never knew the full extent of it and I'm sorry this had to happen to you. You and I don't always agree on stuff and we've butt heads a lot in the past.....but know this.....I never EVER hated you. Not once and likely not ever. I'm probably the last person you wanna this from but....*gives a big, long hug and holds her tight*

It'll be okay....just need to give it time but hopefully this big vent helped get stuff off of your chest.

[Anyia]

Depression sucks. I hope you find your way out of that hole well and truly.

[Miyon]

I never really talked to you, it just didn't come natural, but I was happy to hear about you and Jade back then. I'm sorry you've had to deal with all this crap, but I'm glad you haven't left Petopia entirely. I wish you the best, and for a safe and proper recovery. From what I've seen of you previously, you seemed to be a very good person. Not once have I gotten a negative vibe from you. Stand strong. <3

[Teigan]

.....I do hope that you find your place again, wherever that is.

My main reason for posting this was to see if I have a place here, at all. I just want to know where I stand.
Thank you for your kindness

Niabi, Miyon, Anyia, thank you for your kind words

Junrei, yeah, we've butted heads, hehe. But thank you back

[Lisaara]

Teigan, you do have a place here and always will. I met you when I first joined and you saw I went through some hard times(I apparently joined at a bad time when turbulence was going on and got caught in it) but I had to change my attitude to help myself and others around me. I was not innocent in all my drama I had around me(sometimes I was, other times I wasnt cause I let my pride and anger get the better of me) but I've been doing my best to avoid such situations and better word my thoughts.

Only thing I can say is you need to help yourself before others can help you. From what I understand, most were pretty clueless about the drama. Take this experience and don't let it defeat you. Instead, learn from it, take in each detail and find out what went wrong and how you can better avoid situations like that and if you do get caught in them, find out how you can handle them better. It helped me when I took a step back to observe and listened what my peers had to say. It took awhile for me to understand but it's helped me become a better person and deal with people better.

[Wassa]

I knew Petopians had some drama going on and heard some names, but I was clueless about the details. My Petopian character was my alt on an alt server and I wasn't on enough, and rarely spoke when on, to care about the drama.

*hugs Teigan* I hope you can get your life back together. Having to quit your job because of depression is terrible, especially when some in-game issues contributed to it. If you need to take a break from WoW to clear your head then do that. No need to agonize over a game when it sounds like you have bigger problems to deal with.

Sowwy if I came off as rude. I don't mean it. Depression and anxiety suck. I know firsthand. =(

You have been great help to this community. Don't forget that. Being both a dedicated guild leader and helping out so much with making PetEmote the way it is today is no small feat. You are a great person. I think you will find very few people that actually hate you here. I'm sure you have more friends than you think.

[Gimlion]

You know, I'm not entirely an active member of anything outside the forums, but I think anyone unwilling to hold a grudge, especially after the pleading you say you've done, should reconsider their moral values. I don't know Korii personally, so I won't say much to his character, but I will say that I hope you two reconcile. People say forgiveness is difficult, I say bullshit, people make forgiveness difficult.

All of that said, I've always enjoyed your posts Teigan. I may be wrong, but I think I've enjoyed your posts ever since before the forums, back on Arcania. There was a real strong core of people that posted on Mania's original blog, and you are one of the few I remember that is still sticking around. It's a shame that one decision, (a decision, I might add, that was an initiative and understandable choice in my eyes), tore down all the years you've spent here, but I'm hoping you choose to stay. Regardless of whether someone from the guilds likes you or not, several value your insight and opinion, and it'd be a shame if it were to go.

[Nick]

I knew Petopians had some drama going on and heard some names, but I was clueless about the details. My Petopian character was my alt on an alt server and I wasn't on enough, and rarely spoke when on, to care about the drama.

Yeah, this is pretty much my niche in the drama as well; I never got on enough (I don't even think I was in guild at the time, tbh) but this overall sounds like it really sucks for you and I hope it gets better.

[Wain]

Teigan, I'm really glad you stuck around. This forum and the guild are not the same, even though they may share some members, and it would be a shame for anyone to feel like they had to leave one because of trouble with the other.

I'm also glad you're so honest about your role in all this. It will hopefully help you get better that you're not hiding this stuff from yourself. I hope you're getting good help with this. Like any illness, everyone deserves help in these situations.

Finally, if people want to forgive you and move on, all good. If they don't then they can leave you alone, but everyone should remember that this forum isn't a place for continuing outside grudges, even if it's from a guild with the same name. That includes harassment via PMs. I know I tell people to take heated arguments to PMs but that doesn't include harassment or vendettas.


I should also mention that while a couple of other names were mentioned in the story, I didn't get the impression anything bad was said about them. While we do have a "no naming and shaming" policy I didn't think it was violated in this case. But if those names feel like it was too personal or anything they can still request the names be removed. Only mentioning this as a "just in case".

[Kalliope]

I've said this before and so I'll keep it short:

Teigan, as far as I can tell, the person who needs to forgive you is....you.

[Makoes]

My Alt's alt is in petopia so I am really not on that much and miss pretty much everything that happens in the guild. But even on the forums, I don't have any issues with you Teigan. I am sorry there was so much drama that happened, its never fun. I hope that you continue to stay with the forums

[AdamSavage]

Teigan, from what I read above and combined with your depression. You should NOT be blaming yourself, it sounds like you needed to separate yourself from everything. Clearly you where not happy, so if you are not happy in a guild, then you either try to correct any problems there might be, or just leave. It's not like your de friending anyone, if anyone in the guild truly wanted to stay in contact with you, they would of found way to do so.

I know full well what's it's like to be depressed, and have Anxiety. I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Order. I'm depressed because I have to live every day, knowing that my Daughter is growing up with her Adoptive Parents, and I'm not allowed to see her. Sometimes all it takes is a song or a someone says something, and it triggers a memory or an emotion. The hardest day of the year for me, is her Birthday. I get really down and out, and I'm always happy when the day is over.

So as I said, I know what it's like to be depressed. You tend to not think clearly, and because of the depression you typically have a shorter fuse and you can get upset easier. I may not know you that well, but what I do know about you, is that your a very sweet person and you have always been nice to me. That's all the matters to me. So chin up! You still have people here that think highly of you, and are more then willing to offer support to you. *Hugs*

[Korii]

First, please excuse me, I've been at work for 24ish out of the last 33ish hours, so if I'm a bit off.....well don't mind me. This will also most likely be TL;DR as well. However, I feel that I must actually address this.

Second, as a disclaimer, I am not blaming anything on anyone. My intent here is to simply state facts, not blame anyone, not re-start this issue, etc. I just want to clear things up. This is my attempt at simple factual points, not with emotion, and keeping my own, and anyone else's personal feelings out of this.







There is a reason I have never addressed this situation on these forums. It isn't necessary. The vast majority of people on these forums are NOT members of either horde or alliance guild on Nesingwary, and as such are not involved in any of the guild situations. This incident occurred more than a year ago, on a set of forums run elsewhere. It is time to let it go. What happened in the past should stay there.



Please remember that there are multiple sides to any situation, person A's view, person B's view (and C and D, etc), and somewhere in the middle is the truth. There are a number of factual inaccuracies in the above statement and story.



It is true that there was drama, and your promotion of Jade to your second in command was one of the catalysts, but it was hardly the only one, and the hullabaloo originally had died down once the issue was let to drop. Once it was brought up a second time, people voiced their opinions, and others immediately took on defensive positions. It was nasty. Period. People were trying to calm you down, above all else, while you lashed out. That isn't something that can be easily forgotten, even if forgiven. The words that were exchanged are those I wouldn't repeat in polite society at all (and this is coming from someone who makes truckers blush).




Most of the "issues" with anyone outside of the (max) 13 people who had access to the guild officer forums, and knew about that drama, came from the actions you took AFTER leaving the guild. Those events you orchestrated and took part in while in Salvation. I won't go into details, though I can, if anyone wants to know, but I will say that it was absolute nastiness aimed at us from you and the guild you had joined.




I gave you forgiveness. We talk, do we not? That I can give you easily. What doesn't come as easily is trust. That is where the deficiency is. The issue that took place on the forums, combined with the aftermath of hatred directed toward your former guildmates, kind of killed that trust, at least with me, and trust is not easily rebuilt.


But again, this mess does NOT belong here on these forums, especially since the vast majority of the people here have NO idea what really transpired, they were not involved then, nor should they be now.

[Teigan]

There are some factual errors in your post as well.

1. I already admitted to acting badly while I was in Salvation.....but I didn't "orchestrate" anything. You know that. I was horrible to people, yes. But I wasn't some kind of nefarious mastermind for heavens sake.....

I too can go into detail if anyone wants.....

2. Yes, the raging over me promoting Jade flared up twice. I condensed it. The second time was the killer. For the sake of making it concise, I lumped these two events into one bad period of time, as they occurred within a month of each other. I'm not sure what the other factors were that you are talking about, unless you mean that business over the tabard. The issue with Jade was what had people, as you say "voicing their opinions" to the point I was in tears and furious.

I fail to see how it was "hardly the only one." How does that factually depict the fact that it was by FAR the biggest, most heated issue and the one that truly broke things?

And.....what are you talking about "people were trying to calm me down while I lashed out"???? However, you were not talking to me then. Do you really know, as you say, the facts?

3. It does belong here, out in the open, where everyone can see it. It was brushed under the rug then and I'm tired of the bloody secrecy. If I am ever going to feel that I've made peace and tried to make amends, those affected need to know why things happened.

If you are going to correct the facts, be factual. Just because you're upset doesn't mean you get to hide behind your "factual-Korii" face, especially with the wrong or biased "facts".

[Teigan]

The vast majority of people on these forums are NOT members of either horde or alliance guild on Nesingwary, and as such are not involved in any of the guild situations.

I am aware of this fact. Its mentioned in the first paragraph of my story. However, you and your guild have your own forums and I have this and only this as a means of communication.

This incident occurred more than a year ago, on a set of forums run elsewhere. It is time to let it go. What happened in the past should stay there.

I am trying to let it go. Being honest with people is part of that. As for "what happened in the past should stay there" that is not always true. When it is still affecting the present, it has to be dealt with.